I’m Gettin’ Amped for 5 Bucks a Gallon!

28 05 2008

Truth be known, unemployment doesn’t pay well, and if you’re almost 500 days deep, it doesn’t pay at all. That’s why I’ve been riggity-rackin’ my brain, trying to figure out how to get less MPG’s on my cruise-mobile. Might as well answer an “up yours” with an “up yours, truly”, when we’re lookin’ at $5 a gallon this summer. So, let’s suck the teet off the mother’s teet ’til it dribbles gasoline – then we’ll have ourselves something worth paying for.

I roll in a very fuel efficient ride.  I can easily top 35 MPG’s, but I know, with a lot of hard work (chuckle), I can slice that in half (just like when yooze collectin’ unemployment!) I’ve got a plan, and some tips to share…

3 Easy Steps to Reduce Your MPG’s in One Tank or Less

1.) Add three tons of lead to your trunk, a trailer in tow and fully deflate all tires (Feeling ambitious? Remove hood and doors for added wind-resistance.)

2.) Keep windows down and A/C on full blast at all times.

3.) Rev like you’ve never revved before… always.

Follow these three tips and you’ll see your MPG’s diminish faster than the price of gasoline rising!

Even better, you’ll be thankin’ your lucky stars that good ole G Dubya sent you 6 stylin’ Benjamins. (What a guy, clap, clap, clap… bummer ’bout that whole 8 year thing. You’ve done awesome. So awesome, you’re far stanker than 50 bucks a gallon!)

So, cash in those 6 stylin’ Benny’s, treat yourself to a gallon of gas, hit up the grocery store, spend the rest on this week’s lunch and before you know it, you’ll be just as amped as I am about 5 bucks a gallon.

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You’re Going to Need a Whole Lot of Gas, If You’re Building a Business with Farts

3 05 2008

As gas prices tickle the $4 realm – those looking to build a business with farts may be in the money. The time is now to cash in quick by rippin’ foul and furious farts. Why rely on foreign influences when you can rip glorious gas clouds in your car, home and office?

3 Tips for Success:

1.) The wind is your enemy.
Whether you’re rippin’ farts, waftin’ farts or baskin’ within a stank fart cloud; a lofty gust of wind can whisk away your entire fart supply in one fellow swoop. Protect your farts in bottles or cans or freezer bags… and for the love of mankind – don’t let a wispy breeze deplete your entire fart supply.

2.) Think cheesy thoughts, and crank out more farts then you possibly fathomed.
Fiber, cheese and wheat provide incredibly fierce fart power. Tap into your local cheese supply and start scarfing it all down – cheddar, American, swiss, parmesan, Gouda, groo-yair, gorgonzola – you name it… and don’t forget the 12 grain wheat bread. (add more rotten with broccoli)

3.) Turn egg farts into gold, and cabbage farts into silver and bronze.

This is easier than you think, yet so few try. Gather up a frenzy of cheap jewelry, and bring it to the kitchen. Leave it on the counter and begin making breakfast. (If you’ve gotten mega hammered the night before on wheat beer and eaten pizza and/or burritos, then you’re ahead of the game.)

To Begin: Create a fart-o-rific four egg omelet… add rich cream, all the cheeses mentioned above, broccoli, ham, steak, 1/2 cup whole milk, more heavy cream, a pound of white american cheese (must be white), week old cabbage and 1 cup of hot sauce. Cook, consume and wait for a barrage of farts to come trumpeting out.

After you’ve ripped a category five hurricane of farts in your kitchen – remember that cheap jewelry you gathered? Well have a look at it… you’ll find a collection of gold, silver and bronze – all thanks to those egg and cabbage farts!