Feeble Gust of Wind Perturbed by Bigger, Stronger Gust

29 04 2009

Earlier today around 4:03 PM PST, a feeble gust of wind was awestruck when a mighty gust  of wind swiftly blew by.

When questioned, the feeble gust seemed shocked and  shaken. “I just don’t know what the fuck happened out there?! I had my sights set on this tiny cluster of calico cat hair. I moved a dust bunny the size of a golf ball once, but this was a grand opportunity.  Anyways,  I was going to loft it up about three feet, drop it an inch above the ground, and spin it for a bit, and then – whoosh! Just outta nowhere this rude-ass fuckin’ gust of wind sent it swirling over the rooftop — and it left me twirling in the corner by this decrepit shed. What is this world coming to?”

A few hours later, that same mighty gust was apprehended for “messin’ with wind chimes.”

By then, the feeble gust found solace as it huffed an eggy fart cloud — courtesy of some kid in a ball cap — through a crowded farmer’s market.

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Teeny Smiley Face – Buggin’ Me Out

22 08 2008

There’s a teeny smiley face, chillin’ in the upper right corner of my blog, and it’s buggin’ me out – big time. I’ve been staring at it for over an hour.

It’s winked at me twice. I tried to scare it off with a pair of “hi-chi-style” karate chops, and followed up with a thrusting knee. It didn’t flinch.

Then it double winked – both eyes, same time (damn that’s a spook-fest) then regained its sinister smile.

It’ll come and go, but never stay gone. I refreshed the page and it moved. The fucker moved! It’s planning something…. Maybe it wants to play. Maybe it wants to play patty-cake. I don’t do patty-cake – not any more. I’m through with all that – through! Through damn it! Through!

I know it’s planning something… something big. I don’t know what, but shits going down.

I just waved. Nothing. Same sinister smile. No winks this time… Wait… nope, same sinister smile.

Maybe it wants to fight? I know some sweet moves, (as mentioned above) but it’s got nothing on my “360 roundhouse” – nothing. I get on the couch, yell into oblivion, kick forward, belch, raise a fist high, spit, shimmy, and then spin into a 360 degree roundhouse. It’s highly effective.

What an idiot, this smiley face. Wait… What the? It just rotated, and double winked, right, then left… and what’s that smell? That’s it. I want it outta here… outta here, now. I’m bringin’ my dogs out…





I’m Gettin’ Amped for 5 Bucks a Gallon!

28 05 2008

Truth be known, unemployment doesn’t pay well, and if you’re almost 500 days deep, it doesn’t pay at all. That’s why I’ve been riggity-rackin’ my brain, trying to figure out how to get less MPG’s on my cruise-mobile. Might as well answer an “up yours” with an “up yours, truly”, when we’re lookin’ at $5 a gallon this summer. So, let’s suck the teet off the mother’s teet ’til it dribbles gasoline – then we’ll have ourselves something worth paying for.

I roll in a very fuel efficient ride.  I can easily top 35 MPG’s, but I know, with a lot of hard work (chuckle), I can slice that in half (just like when yooze collectin’ unemployment!) I’ve got a plan, and some tips to share…

3 Easy Steps to Reduce Your MPG’s in One Tank or Less

1.) Add three tons of lead to your trunk, a trailer in tow and fully deflate all tires (Feeling ambitious? Remove hood and doors for added wind-resistance.)

2.) Keep windows down and A/C on full blast at all times.

3.) Rev like you’ve never revved before… always.

Follow these three tips and you’ll see your MPG’s diminish faster than the price of gasoline rising!

Even better, you’ll be thankin’ your lucky stars that good ole G Dubya sent you 6 stylin’ Benjamins. (What a guy, clap, clap, clap… bummer ’bout that whole 8 year thing. You’ve done awesome. So awesome, you’re far stanker than 50 bucks a gallon!)

So, cash in those 6 stylin’ Benny’s, treat yourself to a gallon of gas, hit up the grocery store, spend the rest on this week’s lunch and before you know it, you’ll be just as amped as I am about 5 bucks a gallon.





Unemployment Begone with These Great Job Sites

9 05 2008

Some days, on the Unemployment Front, your full time job is having to find one. This isn’t always an easy task. In fact everything about it is downright awful. That’s why I’ve put together this handy list of Web sites that will help you land the perfect job in no time.

http://www.jobs-for-peeps-that-don’t-want-a-job-just-money.com

http://www.nailed-that-interview-and-the-hotslut-at-the-frontdesk-but-still-didn’tget-thejob.com

http://www.answer-all-interview-questions-with-an-up-yours.com

http://www.bunk-ass-companies-with-bunk-ass-jobs-just-for-you!!!!.com

http://www.we-give-suckie-fo-you-job-money-cheap.com

http://www.we-hire-then-fire-after-you’ve-made-us-rich.com

http://www.work-here-you-dumbass.com

http://www.crappy-jobs-shitty-people.com





You’re Going to Need a Whole Lot of Gas, If You’re Building a Business with Farts

3 05 2008

As gas prices tickle the $4 realm – those looking to build a business with farts may be in the money. The time is now to cash in quick by rippin’ foul and furious farts. Why rely on foreign influences when you can rip glorious gas clouds in your car, home and office?

3 Tips for Success:

1.) The wind is your enemy.
Whether you’re rippin’ farts, waftin’ farts or baskin’ within a stank fart cloud; a lofty gust of wind can whisk away your entire fart supply in one fellow swoop. Protect your farts in bottles or cans or freezer bags… and for the love of mankind – don’t let a wispy breeze deplete your entire fart supply.

2.) Think cheesy thoughts, and crank out more farts then you possibly fathomed.
Fiber, cheese and wheat provide incredibly fierce fart power. Tap into your local cheese supply and start scarfing it all down – cheddar, American, swiss, parmesan, Gouda, groo-yair, gorgonzola – you name it… and don’t forget the 12 grain wheat bread. (add more rotten with broccoli)

3.) Turn egg farts into gold, and cabbage farts into silver and bronze.

This is easier than you think, yet so few try. Gather up a frenzy of cheap jewelry, and bring it to the kitchen. Leave it on the counter and begin making breakfast. (If you’ve gotten mega hammered the night before on wheat beer and eaten pizza and/or burritos, then you’re ahead of the game.)

To Begin: Create a fart-o-rific four egg omelet… add rich cream, all the cheeses mentioned above, broccoli, ham, steak, 1/2 cup whole milk, more heavy cream, a pound of white american cheese (must be white), week old cabbage and 1 cup of hot sauce. Cook, consume and wait for a barrage of farts to come trumpeting out.

After you’ve ripped a category five hurricane of farts in your kitchen – remember that cheap jewelry you gathered? Well have a look at it… you’ll find a collection of gold, silver and bronze – all thanks to those egg and cabbage farts!





Kevin Youkilis Enrolls in New England School of Wizardry

1 05 2008

After decades of pondering, Red Sox slugger, Kevin Youkilis enrolls in the New England School of Wizardry.

In a recent interview Youk began with, “I’ve always felt wizard-ish, and thought how great it would be to become a wizard. Many confuse me with famous wizards on a daily basis. So, I figured I might as well check it out and just make it happen… and you can’t beat those starry-pointed hats.” While commenting, Youk’s goatee morphed into a fuzzy bunny with fangs, then a savage coyote, and then back into a traditional goatee.

Although Youk’s new hobby will be hands-on-acts-of-wizardry, he has no intention of leaving the Red Sox anytime soon. “These past few years were incredible. The fans are amazing. It would be great to really give them something magical. If I could loft 50, 60 or even a 100 more dingers over the monster each year by nudging my chin towards the stands with a bit of wizardry, then why not?”

When asked whether or not obtaining his wizardry degree would interfere with baseball – Youk disappeared, and then reappeared eating cotton candy with a chagrin smile. He disappeared once more and was supposedly sighted floating above center field, and wafting his bat as if conducting a symphony.





You May Find Solace on the Unemployment Front

24 04 2008

If you ever gotten laid-off, been unemployed, or merely struggled to find a job; then you know how it is on the Unemployment Front. Oddly enough, you’re part of an elite class, and you may just find solace here.

Briefing the Unemployment Front

One important factor to realize while out here on the Front is that this is no place for laziness. Even though no one works, the difference is they try to. Why? Because they want to, not only to make a difference, but because they’ve hit a snag in their lives, and they want to remedy that snag… the trouble is good ole’ Jobbie Job (who you’ll learn about along the way) obstructs their path.

What You May Encounter

Various notions will post on this “ever-so-dastardly-realm-of-nothingness” known as the Unemployment Front. However, there will be one bastion and one alone – how it is on the Unemployment Front itself. As you journey along the Front, you may encounter: unemployment rants, interview tips, random buffoonery, joblessness, utter despair, layoff chats, sheer outlandishness, pointlessness, boredom, preposterous Web sites, business ponders, and of course how it is on the Front… and if you stick around you will certainly get to know my closest friend and detrimental enemy “Jobbie Job“…

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front