If you’re unemployed, get those joy rides in NOW!

10 01 2009

Chances are,  gas will breach the $3 mark by May (and hopefully the $4 dollar mark by June… and perhaps Hail Mary may bring it beyond the $5 mark, come July.) We’re just adjusting to the ever-so-dastardly chain of events that have led us to astronomically low gas prices…

My fellow Unemployees, let’s ponder this…  In the past year, we have faced the most detrimental economic crisis in American history, along with hallelujah-style political reform – all just in time for the holidays.

In other words:
We get to finance a bunch of greedy douchebags until 2055.

We get to thank our lucky stars that G Dubya is Long Gone Silver. (Amazing work! We’re in phenomenal shape!)

And, we got to drive around, smiling cheek to cloud over less than $2 a gallon, as we hit the malls to purchase those thoughtful holiday gifts (our subtle economic stimulus.)

Be on the lookout, though – it won’t be long ‘til the numbers on the gas pump roll more rapidly than a slot machine that never pays out.

So get those joy rides in now, my fellow Unemployees, before the fat cats are puffing their cigars,  slobbering in their sushi,  and getting licky licky’s at the massage parlors with your $3… $4… $5 a gallon.

Hit the coast.

Spin donuts in the snow.

Sit in the parking lot and rev, rev, rev…





Teeny Smiley Face – Buggin’ Me Out

22 08 2008

There’s a teeny smiley face, chillin’ in the upper right corner of my blog, and it’s buggin’ me out – big time. I’ve been staring at it for over an hour.

It’s winked at me twice. I tried to scare it off with a pair of “hi-chi-style” karate chops, and followed up with a thrusting knee. It didn’t flinch.

Then it double winked – both eyes, same time (damn that’s a spook-fest) then regained its sinister smile.

It’ll come and go, but never stay gone. I refreshed the page and it moved. The fucker moved! It’s planning something…. Maybe it wants to play. Maybe it wants to play patty-cake. I don’t do patty-cake – not any more. I’m through with all that – through! Through damn it! Through!

I know it’s planning something… something big. I don’t know what, but shits going down.

I just waved. Nothing. Same sinister smile. No winks this time… Wait… nope, same sinister smile.

Maybe it wants to fight? I know some sweet moves, (as mentioned above) but it’s got nothing on my “360 roundhouse” – nothing. I get on the couch, yell into oblivion, kick forward, belch, raise a fist high, spit, shimmy, and then spin into a 360 degree roundhouse. It’s highly effective.

What an idiot, this smiley face. Wait… What the? It just rotated, and double winked, right, then left… and what’s that smell? That’s it. I want it outta here… outta here, now. I’m bringin’ my dogs out…





Remember Those Gaps in My Employment History? Gone!

30 07 2008

Back in the glory days of college when booze flowed like sweat trickling down summer’s hot ‘n staunchy armpit, not every day was saturated with humidity, but every day seemed to breed something a little sweaty.

During this phenomenal realm of buffoonery there were no jobs, no interviews, no shirts-tucked-in, no offices, no 9 to 5 with the incredible 10 to 6 flex, no bullpuckey questions from the ultimate agitators – HR. “If I was your manager, what type of relationship would we have? I want to learn about you. Can you tell me about the you that is you… the real you within, that is? (What I look for most in a supervisor is someone that will stand tall when I unleash an uppercut into their loins. Someone I can say “fuck off” to with a point and a smile when they ask me to engage in a pointlessly tedious task… all that good stuff.)

… and were back.

In the all-encompassing awesomeness of college, the time was merely now and that now was profoundly invigorating. Booties were shakin’, the earth was quakin’ and my only true worry was crispin’ the bacon.

Peeps would get hammed… Real hammered, and shit would break, and holes would suddenly form in the walls. (I remember the landlord, that nosey fuck of all fucknugs. He’d say, let me handle those types of situations. You let me know if something gets broken. Why? So you can los-jackos-the-rent when you’re done? No thanks, shitface. I got this one.)

Any hole in the wall was plastered with 18 tubes of tartar control toothpaste atop particle board – dappled with peppermint flavor crystals.

Those, truly were the days, but enough reminiscing. One can only look so far into to the past without delving into a gaping cre-vass.

Today’s days are now, and today’s days must include some sort of continuous income… but how? For months, I’ve waddled in this as if a penguin caught in an updraft of heinously chilled winds… and then it hit me – a profound revelation!

Perhaps the resume needs stitching… Patch up those gaps in your employment history like you were corking up the core of the earth (and porkin’ that whore from Fort Worth.)

Check out this heinous gap…

Unemployed: May 2007 – Present…

  • nothing
  • muffin
  • no wait… nothing

What happened there? Seems like a whole lot of nothing…. wait…. What’s that? WHAPOW! That gap just got sealed up something fierce, my friend! Shit was getting done during that time – for real. Those were productive times indeed.

Here’s what really went down (wink, nudge… roundhouse to the forehead, point)

EMployed: May 2007 – Present.

  • doin’ it
  • and doin’ it
  • and doin’ it, yeah!

(Wait… Where?)

What?

(Where? and what did you accomplish?)

What on earth are you asking – “where”…  “accomplish”? Are you with HR? That gap is my employment history is long gone, and that’s all you need to know.

And just as that atrocious gap has poofed into oblivion, so have the glory days of college. They are no more, but a mere memory. They are no more, but a gargantuan hole in the wall: patched up and smoothed over with rich, fresh and ever-so-prosperous peppermint flavor crystals.





A Time to Refresh

23 05 2008

If you ever get the chance to take a couple of weeks, or ideally a month, to simply refresh – then do so. Consider it a time to relax and enjoy the world that can sometimes get away from you, drag you down or devour you in its clutches. It’s easy to forget you, no matter who you are, and no matter how strong a character you hold, you can lose it from time to time and that’s alright.

A time to refresh can bring profound revelations, awe-filled moments of clarity, solo laughter or simply a path to follow… and often that path was right there all along, nudging you down it, yet the moments of life took place and created a fog around it. In the thick of it all you somehow got lost, but the true you was there all a long. The day-to-day can bring you into the fog, and a time to refresh can bring you of it, thus leaving you with only you.

Enjoy those couple of weeks, or at best a month, but be certain not to exceed this time, unless you know you truly need it, and you will. To venture beyond the realm of where you have once again found yourself is to become idle, and this is by far worse than ever getting lost in the “midst”. To idle is to truly lose oneself and escape in a manner of which return is unfeasible.

Find yourself, be yourself, maintain and hold onto it always.

A wise fortune cookie once beheld, “idleness is the holiday of fools.”





Last Sneeze Lightly Sprinkles Saturn’s Rings

29 04 2008

Today was rather productive for two reasons: the first, I’ve completed a rather complex quadratic equation…

Time + Time = More Time (…deep)

The second – I thundered out a sneeze that reached lunar status, and eventually found its way to Saturn. This time of year, hot and dry blustery winds whip through the canyons causing desert-ish conditions. Embedded in these winds are various pollens that delve deep into the olfactory, thus creating powerful sneezes, that in this case travel long distances.

To give a clearer understanding of the path this sneeze followed, I’ve included a link presenting the Moon and Saturn. Often, I enjoy a stealthy outdoor sneeze released into the Universe. This is how it began. As the sneeze bolted out of my nostrils at ludicrous speed, it quickly found it’s way to the moon. Passing the moon on the right, the sneeze headed toward Saturn in the backdrop. Seconds later it is captured within Saturn’s rings, where it lightly sprinkles into a fine mist…

yep, it’s been a prosperous day indeed.





You May Find Solace on the Unemployment Front

24 04 2008

If you ever gotten laid-off, been unemployed, or merely struggled to find a job; then you know how it is on the Unemployment Front. Oddly enough, you’re part of an elite class, and you may just find solace here.

Briefing the Unemployment Front

One important factor to realize while out here on the Front is that this is no place for laziness. Even though no one works, the difference is they try to. Why? Because they want to, not only to make a difference, but because they’ve hit a snag in their lives, and they want to remedy that snag… the trouble is good ole’ Jobbie Job (who you’ll learn about along the way) obstructs their path.

What You May Encounter

Various notions will post on this “ever-so-dastardly-realm-of-nothingness” known as the Unemployment Front. However, there will be one bastion and one alone – how it is on the Unemployment Front itself. As you journey along the Front, you may encounter: unemployment rants, interview tips, random buffoonery, joblessness, utter despair, layoff chats, sheer outlandishness, pointlessness, boredom, preposterous Web sites, business ponders, and of course how it is on the Front… and if you stick around you will certainly get to know my closest friend and detrimental enemy “Jobbie Job“…

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front





Reduced Salary Opportunities

22 04 2008

Now until indefinitely companies coast to coast are offering reduced salaries. Employees currently making between $30,000-$330,000 a year can now reel in a deft-defying $15,000-$0 a year.

Executive Bonuses
Employees with at least ten years of work experience will have their current salaries instantly slashed by 50% and receive a courteous slap in the face given by their supervisor each Monday morning at 8am.

Hard Work Incentives
Highly productive employees in this same bracket qualify for a Plundered Income Credit (PIC) which will drastically reduce their current compensation far below the poverty level. Additional benefits will include bi-weekly kicks in the teeth and/or gut.

Mid-Level Bonuses
Any employees with less than ten years of work experience will have their salaries reduced by 30%, pay triple for health care, work for free on rotating Saturdays and Sundays and have all bathroom privileges revoked.

Rewards for Career Change
Employees looking to change careers will have the rare opportunity to work for free for their new employers during their first year. Highly productive employees, after their first year, will have the chance to have their own work space which possibly may include a desk and/or chair. A perfect score on their yearly review may result in a .01% pay increase after “scrutinous” executive review.

The Certifiably Unemployable
Those currently unemployed may apply to become “certifiably unemployable.” Those with accepted applications will receive “Don’t Hire” t-shirts (to be worn with tie during interviews), a book entitled “101 Harrowing Insults” (to belittle interviewers), and stylish post-it-notes inscribed with a motivating “In this jerk eat jerk world, you’re hopeless”.

Reduced-salary/double-workload opportunities are projected for sometime this fall.