Get a job you bum! In this economy?

27 05 2009

I can’t help but giggle over all this recession talk (not like a school girl, more like the dude with the Mii who looks snide.) Finding a job has been terribly difficult since the “dot.com bust”. This has been going on for roughly eight years. And if you find a job that’s tolerable – try to avoid getting laid-off – it’s terribly difficult.

The only difference now is that everything that was terribly difficult finally got the recognition it deserved… and in the process became horrendously difficult.

I figure, I’ve got a better chance seeing Bigfoot play badminton with Secretariat — using a space asteroid — than finding a full time permanent job.

As accurate as that may seem, there’s a deeper link to what the unemployed have endured. Now, what it means to get laid-off is not only understood by those who have gotten laid-off, but by those who never have.

So when someone close to me, who will remain nameless, said, “get a job you bum.”  I simply replied, “in this economy?”

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Feeble Gust of Wind Perturbed by Bigger, Stronger Gust

29 04 2009

Earlier today around 4:03 PM PST, a feeble gust of wind was awestruck when a mighty gust  of wind swiftly blew by.

When questioned, the feeble gust seemed shocked and  shaken. “I just don’t know what the fuck happened out there?! I had my sights set on this tiny cluster of calico cat hair. I moved a dust bunny the size of a golf ball once, but this was a grand opportunity.  Anyways,  I was going to loft it up about three feet, drop it an inch above the ground, and spin it for a bit, and then – whoosh! Just outta nowhere this rude-ass fuckin’ gust of wind sent it swirling over the rooftop — and it left me twirling in the corner by this decrepit shed. What is this world coming to?”

A few hours later, that same mighty gust was apprehended for “messin’ with wind chimes.”

By then, the feeble gust found solace as it huffed an eggy fart cloud — courtesy of some kid in a ball cap — through a crowded farmer’s market.





If you’re unemployed, get those joy rides in NOW!

10 01 2009

Chances are,  gas will breach the $3 mark by May (and hopefully the $4 dollar mark by June… and perhaps Hail Mary may bring it beyond the $5 mark, come July.) We’re just adjusting to the ever-so-dastardly chain of events that have led us to astronomically low gas prices…

My fellow Unemployees, let’s ponder this…  In the past year, we have faced the most detrimental economic crisis in American history, along with hallelujah-style political reform – all just in time for the holidays.

In other words:
We get to finance a bunch of greedy douchebags until 2055.

We get to thank our lucky stars that G Dubya is Long Gone Silver. (Amazing work! We’re in phenomenal shape!)

And, we got to drive around, smiling cheek to cloud over less than $2 a gallon, as we hit the malls to purchase those thoughtful holiday gifts (our subtle economic stimulus.)

Be on the lookout, though – it won’t be long ‘til the numbers on the gas pump roll more rapidly than a slot machine that never pays out.

So get those joy rides in now, my fellow Unemployees, before the fat cats are puffing their cigars,  slobbering in their sushi,  and getting licky licky’s at the massage parlors with your $3… $4… $5 a gallon.

Hit the coast.

Spin donuts in the snow.

Sit in the parking lot and rev, rev, rev…





Teeny Smiley Face – Buggin’ Me Out

22 08 2008

There’s a teeny smiley face, chillin’ in the upper right corner of my blog, and it’s buggin’ me out – big time. I’ve been staring at it for over an hour.

It’s winked at me twice. I tried to scare it off with a pair of “hi-chi-style” karate chops, and followed up with a thrusting knee. It didn’t flinch.

Then it double winked – both eyes, same time (damn that’s a spook-fest) then regained its sinister smile.

It’ll come and go, but never stay gone. I refreshed the page and it moved. The fucker moved! It’s planning something…. Maybe it wants to play. Maybe it wants to play patty-cake. I don’t do patty-cake – not any more. I’m through with all that – through! Through damn it! Through!

I know it’s planning something… something big. I don’t know what, but shits going down.

I just waved. Nothing. Same sinister smile. No winks this time… Wait… nope, same sinister smile.

Maybe it wants to fight? I know some sweet moves, (as mentioned above) but it’s got nothing on my “360 roundhouse” – nothing. I get on the couch, yell into oblivion, kick forward, belch, raise a fist high, spit, shimmy, and then spin into a 360 degree roundhouse. It’s highly effective.

What an idiot, this smiley face. Wait… What the? It just rotated, and double winked, right, then left… and what’s that smell? That’s it. I want it outta here… outta here, now. I’m bringin’ my dogs out…





Remember Those Gaps in My Employment History? Gone!

30 07 2008

Back in the glory days of college when booze flowed like sweat trickling down summer’s hot ‘n staunchy armpit, not every day was saturated with humidity, but every day seemed to breed something a little sweaty.

During this phenomenal realm of buffoonery there were no jobs, no interviews, no shirts-tucked-in, no offices, no 9 to 5 with the incredible 10 to 6 flex, no bullpuckey questions from the ultimate agitators – HR. “If I was your manager, what type of relationship would we have? I want to learn about you. Can you tell me about the you that is you… the real you within, that is? (What I look for most in a supervisor is someone that will stand tall when I unleash an uppercut into their loins. Someone I can say “fuck off” to with a point and a smile when they ask me to engage in a pointlessly tedious task… all that good stuff.)

… and were back.

In the all-encompassing awesomeness of college, the time was merely now and that now was profoundly invigorating. Booties were shakin’, the earth was quakin’ and my only true worry was crispin’ the bacon.

Peeps would get hammed… Real hammered, and shit would break, and holes would suddenly form in the walls. (I remember the landlord, that nosey fuck of all fucknugs. He’d say, let me handle those types of situations. You let me know if something gets broken. Why? So you can los-jackos-the-rent when you’re done? No thanks, shitface. I got this one.)

Any hole in the wall was plastered with 18 tubes of tartar control toothpaste atop particle board – dappled with peppermint flavor crystals.

Those, truly were the days, but enough reminiscing. One can only look so far into to the past without delving into a gaping cre-vass.

Today’s days are now, and today’s days must include some sort of continuous income… but how? For months, I’ve waddled in this as if a penguin caught in an updraft of heinously chilled winds… and then it hit me – a profound revelation!

Perhaps the resume needs stitching… Patch up those gaps in your employment history like you were corking up the core of the earth (and porkin’ that whore from Fort Worth.)

Check out this heinous gap…

Unemployed: May 2007 – Present…

  • nothing
  • muffin
  • no wait… nothing

What happened there? Seems like a whole lot of nothing…. wait…. What’s that? WHAPOW! That gap just got sealed up something fierce, my friend! Shit was getting done during that time – for real. Those were productive times indeed.

Here’s what really went down (wink, nudge… roundhouse to the forehead, point)

EMployed: May 2007 – Present.

  • doin’ it
  • and doin’ it
  • and doin’ it, yeah!

(Wait… Where?)

What?

(Where? and what did you accomplish?)

What on earth are you asking – “where”…  “accomplish”? Are you with HR? That gap is my employment history is long gone, and that’s all you need to know.

And just as that atrocious gap has poofed into oblivion, so have the glory days of college. They are no more, but a mere memory. They are no more, but a gargantuan hole in the wall: patched up and smoothed over with rich, fresh and ever-so-prosperous peppermint flavor crystals.





I Reject Your Cake with Authority

2 07 2008

I don’t enjoy cake and that’s the scoop. It’s sticky. It’s sweet. It’s loaded with sugary shards of slop, and I’m not into it at all. So, if you choose to offer me a piece, I will kindly say, no thank you.

Naturally, you will insist and ask again… don’t be shy, have some cake… It’s really good! I’m sure you think it is, but I don’t. So, go ahead and ask me again, like you always do.

Try the cake, it’s simply divine! No thank you, I’m all set… More cake for everyone else!!!

Don’t get me wrong, even though I don’t enjoy cake, I’ll be there to celebrate your b-day, say “congrats” or “you’re the fuckin’ best”, but if you ask me a 3rd time, that sickening slice of chocolate cake is goin’ upside ya head with authority.

If you insist, but a fourth time, then not only will I reject your cake with authority – you’re getting dropped kicked across the fuckin’ room, bounced off the wall and into the cake.

No matter what kind of cake your offering, I’m just not interested – even if your little granny foo foo whipped up her award-winning recipe.





Secretariat: “Moving Like a Tremendous Machine”

4 06 2008

The most incredible performance in the history of horseracing, and easily one of sports most memorable moments, took hoof 35 years ago. In the realm of horseracing, to win by 10 lengths is incredible, by 20 astonishing, by 31, eternally cosmic.

When Secretariat captured the Triple Crown by winning the 1973 Belmont Stakes by 31 lengths, he was clearly “moving like a tremendous machine”.

Somewhere, somehow, you’ve heard of Secretariat, but to actually see this magnificent horse triumph is truly captivating. This footage is rather primitive, but a performance this spectacular is timeless.

Check Out the Race