Feeble Gust of Wind Perturbed by Bigger, Stronger Gust

29 04 2009

Earlier today around 4:03 PM PST, a feeble gust of wind was awestruck when a mighty gust  of wind swiftly blew by.

When questioned, the feeble gust seemed shocked and  shaken. “I just don’t know what the fuck happened out there?! I had my sights set on this tiny cluster of calico cat hair. I moved a dust bunny the size of a golf ball once, but this was a grand opportunity.  Anyways,  I was going to loft it up about three feet, drop it an inch above the ground, and spin it for a bit, and then – whoosh! Just outta nowhere this rude-ass fuckin’ gust of wind sent it swirling over the rooftop — and it left me twirling in the corner by this decrepit shed. What is this world coming to?”

A few hours later, that same mighty gust was apprehended for “messin’ with wind chimes.”

By then, the feeble gust found solace as it huffed an eggy fart cloud — courtesy of some kid in a ball cap — through a crowded farmer’s market.





You’re Going to Need a Whole Lot of Gas, If You’re Building a Business with Farts

3 05 2008

As gas prices tickle the $4 realm – those looking to build a business with farts may be in the money. The time is now to cash in quick by rippin’ foul and furious farts. Why rely on foreign influences when you can rip glorious gas clouds in your car, home and office?

3 Tips for Success:

1.) The wind is your enemy.
Whether you’re rippin’ farts, waftin’ farts or baskin’ within a stank fart cloud; a lofty gust of wind can whisk away your entire fart supply in one fellow swoop. Protect your farts in bottles or cans or freezer bags… and for the love of mankind – don’t let a wispy breeze deplete your entire fart supply.

2.) Think cheesy thoughts, and crank out more farts then you possibly fathomed.
Fiber, cheese and wheat provide incredibly fierce fart power. Tap into your local cheese supply and start scarfing it all down – cheddar, American, swiss, parmesan, Gouda, groo-yair, gorgonzola – you name it… and don’t forget the 12 grain wheat bread. (add more rotten with broccoli)

3.) Turn egg farts into gold, and cabbage farts into silver and bronze.

This is easier than you think, yet so few try. Gather up a frenzy of cheap jewelry, and bring it to the kitchen. Leave it on the counter and begin making breakfast. (If you’ve gotten mega hammered the night before on wheat beer and eaten pizza and/or burritos, then you’re ahead of the game.)

To Begin: Create a fart-o-rific four egg omelet… add rich cream, all the cheeses mentioned above, broccoli, ham, steak, 1/2 cup whole milk, more heavy cream, a pound of white american cheese (must be white), week old cabbage and 1 cup of hot sauce. Cook, consume and wait for a barrage of farts to come trumpeting out.

After you’ve ripped a category five hurricane of farts in your kitchen – remember that cheap jewelry you gathered? Well have a look at it… you’ll find a collection of gold, silver and bronze – all thanks to those egg and cabbage farts!