I’m Gettin’ Amped for 5 Bucks a Gallon!

28 05 2008

Truth be known, unemployment doesn’t pay well, and if you’re almost 500 days deep, it doesn’t pay at all. That’s why I’ve been riggity-rackin’ my brain, trying to figure out how to get less MPG’s on my cruise-mobile. Might as well answer an “up yours” with an “up yours, truly”, when we’re lookin’ at $5 a gallon this summer. So, let’s suck the teet off the mother’s teet ’til it dribbles gasoline – then we’ll have ourselves something worth paying for.

I roll in a very fuel efficient ride.  I can easily top 35 MPG’s, but I know, with a lot of hard work (chuckle), I can slice that in half (just like when yooze collectin’ unemployment!) I’ve got a plan, and some tips to share…

3 Easy Steps to Reduce Your MPG’s in One Tank or Less

1.) Add three tons of lead to your trunk, a trailer in tow and fully deflate all tires (Feeling ambitious? Remove hood and doors for added wind-resistance.)

2.) Keep windows down and A/C on full blast at all times.

3.) Rev like you’ve never revved before… always.

Follow these three tips and you’ll see your MPG’s diminish faster than the price of gasoline rising!

Even better, you’ll be thankin’ your lucky stars that good ole G Dubya sent you 6 stylin’ Benjamins. (What a guy, clap, clap, clap… bummer ’bout that whole 8 year thing. You’ve done awesome. So awesome, you’re far stanker than 50 bucks a gallon!)

So, cash in those 6 stylin’ Benny’s, treat yourself to a gallon of gas, hit up the grocery store, spend the rest on this week’s lunch and before you know it, you’ll be just as amped as I am about 5 bucks a gallon.





A Time to Refresh

23 05 2008

If you ever get the chance to take a couple of weeks, or ideally a month, to simply refresh – then do so. Consider it a time to relax and enjoy the world that can sometimes get away from you, drag you down or devour you in its clutches. It’s easy to forget you, no matter who you are, and no matter how strong a character you hold, you can lose it from time to time and that’s alright.

A time to refresh can bring profound revelations, awe-filled moments of clarity, solo laughter or simply a path to follow… and often that path was right there all along, nudging you down it, yet the moments of life took place and created a fog around it. In the thick of it all you somehow got lost, but the true you was there all a long. The day-to-day can bring you into the fog, and a time to refresh can bring you of it, thus leaving you with only you.

Enjoy those couple of weeks, or at best a month, but be certain not to exceed this time, unless you know you truly need it, and you will. To venture beyond the realm of where you have once again found yourself is to become idle, and this is by far worse than ever getting lost in the “midst”. To idle is to truly lose oneself and escape in a manner of which return is unfeasible.

Find yourself, be yourself, maintain and hold onto it always.

A wise fortune cookie once beheld, “idleness is the holiday of fools.”





An Interview with HR – Awesome to Say the Least

14 05 2008

Dear HR Department,

Thanks for taking the time to be so awesome all the time! You peeps are amazing! Not only do you know how to ask all the right questions… greatest strengths… weaknesses!? (whoa). You are so well-informed of the position itself, why don’t you interview, you?

The fate of the company is in your hands and you rise to the challenge to ask a potential employee “are you a number or word person?” (Yes!), or “how do you handle pressure?” (Heard of the bends? Let’s just say don’t ever, ever share tanks when you dive, ever.)

I am honored. I am impressed. I am deeply and truly grateful for having the opportunity to have spoken with you about “why I want to work for your company” (and with you, when I have to fill out papers upon papers with papers on top.)

It’s the chats with you, oh regal HR reps, that have made this whole unemployment experience worthwhile. I anxiously await the next enlightening conversation. Maybe this time we can talk about my score on that pop quiz in the 4th grade or my all-time-favorite show ‘n tell toy.





Parappa the Rappa Still Knows Best

12 05 2008

Unemployment Front – Day 462

Do you know why we stopped the car again?

Cuz you still don’t have a job.





Let’s Engage In a Bit of Small Talk!!!

9 05 2008

Nah, let’s not.





Unemployment Begone with These Great Job Sites

9 05 2008

Some days, on the Unemployment Front, your full time job is having to find one. This isn’t always an easy task. In fact everything about it is downright awful. That’s why I’ve put together this handy list of Web sites that will help you land the perfect job in no time.

http://www.jobs-for-peeps-that-don’t-want-a-job-just-money.com

http://www.nailed-that-interview-and-the-hotslut-at-the-frontdesk-but-still-didn’tget-thejob.com

http://www.answer-all-interview-questions-with-an-up-yours.com

http://www.bunk-ass-companies-with-bunk-ass-jobs-just-for-you!!!!.com

http://www.we-give-suckie-fo-you-job-money-cheap.com

http://www.we-hire-then-fire-after-you’ve-made-us-rich.com

http://www.work-here-you-dumbass.com

http://www.crappy-jobs-shitty-people.com





Sick and Tired of it All

7 05 2008

I can’t even look at a job description without getting nauseous.

After the first word I lose it… whether it’s about the shitty company offering the job or the shittier job description itself, I’m sick and tired of it all… which happens to be my favorite “call-in” to work (when I was employed) I’m sick… and tired, of it all.

Even better, if you think I’m “calling in”, screw dat, you’re getting an email. One of email’s best attributes is dealing with schmucks you don’t want to, or even need to, deal with at all… and wow there are tons of them out there… and oddly enough, they’re in a position to manipulate things… especially the dollar bill.

Up yours dollar bill! I’m heading west where the weather is well and the women are… well busty. This is it… it’s time to venture out… to head forth into something else… anything else. Anything other than this.