If you’re unemployed, get those joy rides in NOW!

10 01 2009

Chances are,  gas will breach the $3 mark by May (and hopefully the $4 dollar mark by June… and perhaps Hail Mary may bring it beyond the $5 mark, come July.) We’re just adjusting to the ever-so-dastardly chain of events that have led us to astronomically low gas prices…

My fellow Unemployees, let’s ponder this…  In the past year, we have faced the most detrimental economic crisis in American history, along with hallelujah-style political reform – all just in time for the holidays.

In other words:
We get to finance a bunch of greedy douchebags until 2055.

We get to thank our lucky stars that G Dubya is Long Gone Silver. (Amazing work! We’re in phenomenal shape!)

And, we got to drive around, smiling cheek to cloud over less than $2 a gallon, as we hit the malls to purchase those thoughtful holiday gifts (our subtle economic stimulus.)

Be on the lookout, though – it won’t be long ‘til the numbers on the gas pump roll more rapidly than a slot machine that never pays out.

So get those joy rides in now, my fellow Unemployees, before the fat cats are puffing their cigars,  slobbering in their sushi,  and getting licky licky’s at the massage parlors with your $3… $4… $5 a gallon.

Hit the coast.

Spin donuts in the snow.

Sit in the parking lot and rev, rev, rev…

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Remember Those Gaps in My Employment History? Gone!

30 07 2008

Back in the glory days of college when booze flowed like sweat trickling down summer’s hot ‘n staunchy armpit, not every day was saturated with humidity, but every day seemed to breed something a little sweaty.

During this phenomenal realm of buffoonery there were no jobs, no interviews, no shirts-tucked-in, no offices, no 9 to 5 with the incredible 10 to 6 flex, no bullpuckey questions from the ultimate agitators – HR. “If I was your manager, what type of relationship would we have? I want to learn about you. Can you tell me about the you that is you… the real you within, that is? (What I look for most in a supervisor is someone that will stand tall when I unleash an uppercut into their loins. Someone I can say “fuck off” to with a point and a smile when they ask me to engage in a pointlessly tedious task… all that good stuff.)

… and were back.

In the all-encompassing awesomeness of college, the time was merely now and that now was profoundly invigorating. Booties were shakin’, the earth was quakin’ and my only true worry was crispin’ the bacon.

Peeps would get hammed… Real hammered, and shit would break, and holes would suddenly form in the walls. (I remember the landlord, that nosey fuck of all fucknugs. He’d say, let me handle those types of situations. You let me know if something gets broken. Why? So you can los-jackos-the-rent when you’re done? No thanks, shitface. I got this one.)

Any hole in the wall was plastered with 18 tubes of tartar control toothpaste atop particle board – dappled with peppermint flavor crystals.

Those, truly were the days, but enough reminiscing. One can only look so far into to the past without delving into a gaping cre-vass.

Today’s days are now, and today’s days must include some sort of continuous income… but how? For months, I’ve waddled in this as if a penguin caught in an updraft of heinously chilled winds… and then it hit me – a profound revelation!

Perhaps the resume needs stitching… Patch up those gaps in your employment history like you were corking up the core of the earth (and porkin’ that whore from Fort Worth.)

Check out this heinous gap…

Unemployed: May 2007 – Present…

  • nothing
  • muffin
  • no wait… nothing

What happened there? Seems like a whole lot of nothing…. wait…. What’s that? WHAPOW! That gap just got sealed up something fierce, my friend! Shit was getting done during that time – for real. Those were productive times indeed.

Here’s what really went down (wink, nudge… roundhouse to the forehead, point)

EMployed: May 2007 – Present.

  • doin’ it
  • and doin’ it
  • and doin’ it, yeah!

(Wait… Where?)

What?

(Where? and what did you accomplish?)

What on earth are you asking – “where”…  “accomplish”? Are you with HR? That gap is my employment history is long gone, and that’s all you need to know.

And just as that atrocious gap has poofed into oblivion, so have the glory days of college. They are no more, but a mere memory. They are no more, but a gargantuan hole in the wall: patched up and smoothed over with rich, fresh and ever-so-prosperous peppermint flavor crystals.





I’m Gettin’ Amped for 5 Bucks a Gallon!

28 05 2008

Truth be known, unemployment doesn’t pay well, and if you’re almost 500 days deep, it doesn’t pay at all. That’s why I’ve been riggity-rackin’ my brain, trying to figure out how to get less MPG’s on my cruise-mobile. Might as well answer an “up yours” with an “up yours, truly”, when we’re lookin’ at $5 a gallon this summer. So, let’s suck the teet off the mother’s teet ’til it dribbles gasoline – then we’ll have ourselves something worth paying for.

I roll in a very fuel efficient ride.  I can easily top 35 MPG’s, but I know, with a lot of hard work (chuckle), I can slice that in half (just like when yooze collectin’ unemployment!) I’ve got a plan, and some tips to share…

3 Easy Steps to Reduce Your MPG’s in One Tank or Less

1.) Add three tons of lead to your trunk, a trailer in tow and fully deflate all tires (Feeling ambitious? Remove hood and doors for added wind-resistance.)

2.) Keep windows down and A/C on full blast at all times.

3.) Rev like you’ve never revved before… always.

Follow these three tips and you’ll see your MPG’s diminish faster than the price of gasoline rising!

Even better, you’ll be thankin’ your lucky stars that good ole G Dubya sent you 6 stylin’ Benjamins. (What a guy, clap, clap, clap… bummer ’bout that whole 8 year thing. You’ve done awesome. So awesome, you’re far stanker than 50 bucks a gallon!)

So, cash in those 6 stylin’ Benny’s, treat yourself to a gallon of gas, hit up the grocery store, spend the rest on this week’s lunch and before you know it, you’ll be just as amped as I am about 5 bucks a gallon.





An Interview with HR – Awesome to Say the Least

14 05 2008

Dear HR Department,

Thanks for taking the time to be so awesome all the time! You peeps are amazing! Not only do you know how to ask all the right questions… greatest strengths… weaknesses!? (whoa). You are so well-informed of the position itself, why don’t you interview, you?

The fate of the company is in your hands and you rise to the challenge to ask a potential employee “are you a number or word person?” (Yes!), or “how do you handle pressure?” (Heard of the bends? Let’s just say don’t ever, ever share tanks when you dive, ever.)

I am honored. I am impressed. I am deeply and truly grateful for having the opportunity to have spoken with you about “why I want to work for your company” (and with you, when I have to fill out papers upon papers with papers on top.)

It’s the chats with you, oh regal HR reps, that have made this whole unemployment experience worthwhile. I anxiously await the next enlightening conversation. Maybe this time we can talk about my score on that pop quiz in the 4th grade or my all-time-favorite show ‘n tell toy.





You May Find Solace on the Unemployment Front

24 04 2008

If you ever gotten laid-off, been unemployed, or merely struggled to find a job; then you know how it is on the Unemployment Front. Oddly enough, you’re part of an elite class, and you may just find solace here.

Briefing the Unemployment Front

One important factor to realize while out here on the Front is that this is no place for laziness. Even though no one works, the difference is they try to. Why? Because they want to, not only to make a difference, but because they’ve hit a snag in their lives, and they want to remedy that snag… the trouble is good ole’ Jobbie Job (who you’ll learn about along the way) obstructs their path.

What You May Encounter

Various notions will post on this “ever-so-dastardly-realm-of-nothingness” known as the Unemployment Front. However, there will be one bastion and one alone – how it is on the Unemployment Front itself. As you journey along the Front, you may encounter: unemployment rants, interview tips, random buffoonery, joblessness, utter despair, layoff chats, sheer outlandishness, pointlessness, boredom, preposterous Web sites, business ponders, and of course how it is on the Front… and if you stick around you will certainly get to know my closest friend and detrimental enemy “Jobbie Job“…

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front





Reduced Salary Opportunities

22 04 2008

Now until indefinitely companies coast to coast are offering reduced salaries. Employees currently making between $30,000-$330,000 a year can now reel in a deft-defying $15,000-$0 a year.

Executive Bonuses
Employees with at least ten years of work experience will have their current salaries instantly slashed by 50% and receive a courteous slap in the face given by their supervisor each Monday morning at 8am.

Hard Work Incentives
Highly productive employees in this same bracket qualify for a Plundered Income Credit (PIC) which will drastically reduce their current compensation far below the poverty level. Additional benefits will include bi-weekly kicks in the teeth and/or gut.

Mid-Level Bonuses
Any employees with less than ten years of work experience will have their salaries reduced by 30%, pay triple for health care, work for free on rotating Saturdays and Sundays and have all bathroom privileges revoked.

Rewards for Career Change
Employees looking to change careers will have the rare opportunity to work for free for their new employers during their first year. Highly productive employees, after their first year, will have the chance to have their own work space which possibly may include a desk and/or chair. A perfect score on their yearly review may result in a .01% pay increase after “scrutinous” executive review.

The Certifiably Unemployable
Those currently unemployed may apply to become “certifiably unemployable.” Those with accepted applications will receive “Don’t Hire” t-shirts (to be worn with tie during interviews), a book entitled “101 Harrowing Insults” (to belittle interviewers), and stylish post-it-notes inscribed with a motivating “In this jerk eat jerk world, you’re hopeless”.

Reduced-salary/double-workload opportunities are projected for sometime this fall.





Second Interview Seems “iffy” at Best

19 04 2008

I went in for an interview for the first time in two months, but a second one seems “iffy” at best. It was going smoothly at first. I nailed a couple of wretched-ass-line-drive-questions out of the park. Then, hit a snag on this one – “Have you ever had issues with another boss or coworker? If so, how did you resolve them?” The first thing that came to mind was the most irritating coworker the world has ever seen, so I rolled with it.

That day she had been hawk-eying me and asking questions of idiocy. What are you staring at? laughing at? looking at? thinking at? Do you need a tissue? I think I smell feet.

However, it was the comment about sneezing that tipped me beyond the boundaries.

Why don’t you go outside to sneeze?” First off, that’s a lengthy stroll… Secondly, screw that.

I declined to reply (After 8 pointless questions in a row I drift)

Well? Are you going to answer? After a couple of minutes, she got up in disgust – which made me giggle out loud. The giggle turned into a cough, and then an explosive burst of laughter, and then an egg fart squeaked free. As she tapered off like a rabid elephant, I felt a sneeze tickle…

In her glorious absence, I proceeded to sneeze a misty spray onto her keyboard. And when she returned I wafted a handful of stank in her direction, and then glanced at her in utter disgust.

“My keyboard is moist” she said. You’re an idiot, I replied, and continued to glare in her direction.

“What’s that smell? She then asked. (Same glare.)

She began to swat away the beefcake aroma with both hands. After a few seconds, I just simply couldn’t hold back the giggles and I strolled on out of the office.

After I finished telling this during the interview, I kindly nodded, proceeded to show myself to the door, and got lost on the way out.

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front