If you’re unemployed, get those joy rides in NOW!

10 01 2009

Chances are,  gas will breach the $3 mark by May (and hopefully the $4 dollar mark by June… and perhaps Hail Mary may bring it beyond the $5 mark, come July.) We’re just adjusting to the ever-so-dastardly chain of events that have led us to astronomically low gas prices…

My fellow Unemployees, let’s ponder this…  In the past year, we have faced the most detrimental economic crisis in American history, along with hallelujah-style political reform – all just in time for the holidays.

In other words:
We get to finance a bunch of greedy douchebags until 2055.

We get to thank our lucky stars that G Dubya is Long Gone Silver. (Amazing work! We’re in phenomenal shape!)

And, we got to drive around, smiling cheek to cloud over less than $2 a gallon, as we hit the malls to purchase those thoughtful holiday gifts (our subtle economic stimulus.)

Be on the lookout, though – it won’t be long ‘til the numbers on the gas pump roll more rapidly than a slot machine that never pays out.

So get those joy rides in now, my fellow Unemployees, before the fat cats are puffing their cigars,  slobbering in their sushi,  and getting licky licky’s at the massage parlors with your $3… $4… $5 a gallon.

Hit the coast.

Spin donuts in the snow.

Sit in the parking lot and rev, rev, rev…

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An Interview with HR – Awesome to Say the Least

14 05 2008

Dear HR Department,

Thanks for taking the time to be so awesome all the time! You peeps are amazing! Not only do you know how to ask all the right questions… greatest strengths… weaknesses!? (whoa). You are so well-informed of the position itself, why don’t you interview, you?

The fate of the company is in your hands and you rise to the challenge to ask a potential employee “are you a number or word person?” (Yes!), or “how do you handle pressure?” (Heard of the bends? Let’s just say don’t ever, ever share tanks when you dive, ever.)

I am honored. I am impressed. I am deeply and truly grateful for having the opportunity to have spoken with you about “why I want to work for your company” (and with you, when I have to fill out papers upon papers with papers on top.)

It’s the chats with you, oh regal HR reps, that have made this whole unemployment experience worthwhile. I anxiously await the next enlightening conversation. Maybe this time we can talk about my score on that pop quiz in the 4th grade or my all-time-favorite show ‘n tell toy.





Sick and Tired of it All

7 05 2008

I can’t even look at a job description without getting nauseous.

After the first word I lose it… whether it’s about the shitty company offering the job or the shittier job description itself, I’m sick and tired of it all… which happens to be my favorite “call-in” to work (when I was employed) I’m sick… and tired, of it all.

Even better, if you think I’m “calling in”, screw dat, you’re getting an email. One of email’s best attributes is dealing with schmucks you don’t want to, or even need to, deal with at all… and wow there are tons of them out there… and oddly enough, they’re in a position to manipulate things… especially the dollar bill.

Up yours dollar bill! I’m heading west where the weather is well and the women are… well busty. This is it… it’s time to venture out… to head forth into something else… anything else. Anything other than this.





Squibbles

23 04 2008

Out here, on the Unemployment Front, there’s plenty of time for nothin’. Today, squibbles are everywhere…

Squibble me this,
Squibble me that,
Squibble me up, a sweet top hat.





Today, You’re Nothing to Me

21 03 2008

Wut up Jobbie Job?

It’s Friday and I don’t want to have anything to do with you. No resumes will be sent. No follow-up calls will be made. No 206 page pointless applications will be filled out. No searches will be made what-so-ever. So, whose got the upper hand now? Huh Jobbie Job – this guy, that’s right. You think I’m going to even attempt to acknowledge you on a Friday? I am laughing out loud, stopping ever-so-often to run around, jump, and power-out uppercuts… and tomorrow… Saturday. Then you can really suck it.

In other news – my orchid bloomed!

p.s. You are the most despicable entity the world has ever known at any point in history.





Where to find Jobbie Jobs

20 03 2008

For all you jobless wonders out there, I found a couple of awesome Web sites that will not only help you find a job, but pay you half, or if you’re lucky, less than half of what you should be making.

http://www.we-gonna-shiest-you-for-workin-hard-dot-com

…and the more user-friendly

http://www.work-70-hour-weeks-for-FREE-and-get-a-FREE-button-dot-com.





Day 407 – Wait up… I still need a jobbie job?

20 03 2008

Dear Jobbie Job,

I was out looking for you today, but to no avail. I hit up some of the more popular employment sites… http://www.get-paid-for-less-and-work-more-dot-com
http://www.sucka-toe-get-a-job-dot-com
http://www.awesomest-friggin-jobs-around-for-crazy-low-salaries-dot-com.

All the great places you usually reside. Why weren’t you there? How many days do I have to look? It’s been 407 days, 279 interviews, 82 2nd interviews, 18 third interviews and 608 gutwrenching chats with HR.