If you’re unemployed, get those joy rides in NOW!

10 01 2009

Chances are,  gas will breach the $3 mark by May (and hopefully the $4 dollar mark by June… and perhaps Hail Mary may bring it beyond the $5 mark, come July.) We’re just adjusting to the ever-so-dastardly chain of events that have led us to astronomically low gas prices…

My fellow Unemployees, let’s ponder this…  In the past year, we have faced the most detrimental economic crisis in American history, along with hallelujah-style political reform – all just in time for the holidays.

In other words:
We get to finance a bunch of greedy douchebags until 2055.

We get to thank our lucky stars that G Dubya is Long Gone Silver. (Amazing work! We’re in phenomenal shape!)

And, we got to drive around, smiling cheek to cloud over less than $2 a gallon, as we hit the malls to purchase those thoughtful holiday gifts (our subtle economic stimulus.)

Be on the lookout, though – it won’t be long ‘til the numbers on the gas pump roll more rapidly than a slot machine that never pays out.

So get those joy rides in now, my fellow Unemployees, before the fat cats are puffing their cigars,  slobbering in their sushi,  and getting licky licky’s at the massage parlors with your $3… $4… $5 a gallon.

Hit the coast.

Spin donuts in the snow.

Sit in the parking lot and rev, rev, rev…

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Unemployment Begone with These Great Job Sites

9 05 2008

Some days, on the Unemployment Front, your full time job is having to find one. This isn’t always an easy task. In fact everything about it is downright awful. That’s why I’ve put together this handy list of Web sites that will help you land the perfect job in no time.

http://www.jobs-for-peeps-that-don’t-want-a-job-just-money.com

http://www.nailed-that-interview-and-the-hotslut-at-the-frontdesk-but-still-didn’tget-thejob.com

http://www.answer-all-interview-questions-with-an-up-yours.com

http://www.bunk-ass-companies-with-bunk-ass-jobs-just-for-you!!!!.com

http://www.we-give-suckie-fo-you-job-money-cheap.com

http://www.we-hire-then-fire-after-you’ve-made-us-rich.com

http://www.work-here-you-dumbass.com

http://www.crappy-jobs-shitty-people.com





Reduced Salary Opportunities

22 04 2008

Now until indefinitely companies coast to coast are offering reduced salaries. Employees currently making between $30,000-$330,000 a year can now reel in a deft-defying $15,000-$0 a year.

Executive Bonuses
Employees with at least ten years of work experience will have their current salaries instantly slashed by 50% and receive a courteous slap in the face given by their supervisor each Monday morning at 8am.

Hard Work Incentives
Highly productive employees in this same bracket qualify for a Plundered Income Credit (PIC) which will drastically reduce their current compensation far below the poverty level. Additional benefits will include bi-weekly kicks in the teeth and/or gut.

Mid-Level Bonuses
Any employees with less than ten years of work experience will have their salaries reduced by 30%, pay triple for health care, work for free on rotating Saturdays and Sundays and have all bathroom privileges revoked.

Rewards for Career Change
Employees looking to change careers will have the rare opportunity to work for free for their new employers during their first year. Highly productive employees, after their first year, will have the chance to have their own work space which possibly may include a desk and/or chair. A perfect score on their yearly review may result in a .01% pay increase after “scrutinous” executive review.

The Certifiably Unemployable
Those currently unemployed may apply to become “certifiably unemployable.” Those with accepted applications will receive “Don’t Hire” t-shirts (to be worn with tie during interviews), a book entitled “101 Harrowing Insults” (to belittle interviewers), and stylish post-it-notes inscribed with a motivating “In this jerk eat jerk world, you’re hopeless”.

Reduced-salary/double-workload opportunities are projected for sometime this fall.





Second Interview Seems “iffy” at Best

19 04 2008

I went in for an interview for the first time in two months, but a second one seems “iffy” at best. It was going smoothly at first. I nailed a couple of wretched-ass-line-drive-questions out of the park. Then, hit a snag on this one – “Have you ever had issues with another boss or coworker? If so, how did you resolve them?” The first thing that came to mind was the most irritating coworker the world has ever seen, so I rolled with it.

That day she had been hawk-eying me and asking questions of idiocy. What are you staring at? laughing at? looking at? thinking at? Do you need a tissue? I think I smell feet.

However, it was the comment about sneezing that tipped me beyond the boundaries.

Why don’t you go outside to sneeze?” First off, that’s a lengthy stroll… Secondly, screw that.

I declined to reply (After 8 pointless questions in a row I drift)

Well? Are you going to answer? After a couple of minutes, she got up in disgust – which made me giggle out loud. The giggle turned into a cough, and then an explosive burst of laughter, and then an egg fart squeaked free. As she tapered off like a rabid elephant, I felt a sneeze tickle…

In her glorious absence, I proceeded to sneeze a misty spray onto her keyboard. And when she returned I wafted a handful of stank in her direction, and then glanced at her in utter disgust.

“My keyboard is moist” she said. You’re an idiot, I replied, and continued to glare in her direction.

“What’s that smell? She then asked. (Same glare.)

She began to swat away the beefcake aroma with both hands. After a few seconds, I just simply couldn’t hold back the giggles and I strolled on out of the office.

After I finished telling this during the interview, I kindly nodded, proceeded to show myself to the door, and got lost on the way out.

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front





If your job is better than mine, then I may comment if I had one.

12 04 2008

There’s an odd truth about jobs – finding them is not so easy, having them can make you queasy and gorgonzola is mighty cheesy.

I’ve endured long bouts with unemployment (one of which I’m trying to present to the world) but to scour old wounds with a brillo can be grueling. Although, a beginning is just that – a beginning.

Is the audience out there? I’m ready to ridicule the shit out of unemployment…