Remember Those Gaps in My Employment History? Gone!

30 07 2008

Back in the glory days of college when booze flowed like sweat trickling down summer’s hot ‘n staunchy armpit, not every day was saturated with humidity, but every day seemed to breed something a little sweaty.

During this phenomenal realm of buffoonery there were no jobs, no interviews, no shirts-tucked-in, no offices, no 9 to 5 with the incredible 10 to 6 flex, no bullpuckey questions from the ultimate agitators – HR. “If I was your manager, what type of relationship would we have? I want to learn about you. Can you tell me about the you that is you… the real you within, that is? (What I look for most in a supervisor is someone that will stand tall when I unleash an uppercut into their loins. Someone I can say “fuck off” to with a point and a smile when they ask me to engage in a pointlessly tedious task… all that good stuff.)

… and were back.

In the all-encompassing awesomeness of college, the time was merely now and that now was profoundly invigorating. Booties were shakin’, the earth was quakin’ and my only true worry was crispin’ the bacon.

Peeps would get hammed… Real hammered, and shit would break, and holes would suddenly form in the walls. (I remember the landlord, that nosey fuck of all fucknugs. He’d say, let me handle those types of situations. You let me know if something gets broken. Why? So you can los-jackos-the-rent when you’re done? No thanks, shitface. I got this one.)

Any hole in the wall was plastered with 18 tubes of tartar control toothpaste atop particle board – dappled with peppermint flavor crystals.

Those, truly were the days, but enough reminiscing. One can only look so far into to the past without delving into a gaping cre-vass.

Today’s days are now, and today’s days must include some sort of continuous income… but how? For months, I’ve waddled in this as if a penguin caught in an updraft of heinously chilled winds… and then it hit me – a profound revelation!

Perhaps the resume needs stitching… Patch up those gaps in your employment history like you were corking up the core of the earth (and porkin’ that whore from Fort Worth.)

Check out this heinous gap…

Unemployed: May 2007 – Present…

  • nothing
  • muffin
  • no wait… nothing

What happened there? Seems like a whole lot of nothing…. wait…. What’s that? WHAPOW! That gap just got sealed up something fierce, my friend! Shit was getting done during that time – for real. Those were productive times indeed.

Here’s what really went down (wink, nudge… roundhouse to the forehead, point)

EMployed: May 2007 – Present.

  • doin’ it
  • and doin’ it
  • and doin’ it, yeah!

(Wait… Where?)

What?

(Where? and what did you accomplish?)

What on earth are you asking – “where”…  “accomplish”? Are you with HR? That gap is my employment history is long gone, and that’s all you need to know.

And just as that atrocious gap has poofed into oblivion, so have the glory days of college. They are no more, but a mere memory. They are no more, but a gargantuan hole in the wall: patched up and smoothed over with rich, fresh and ever-so-prosperous peppermint flavor crystals.

Advertisements




A Time to Refresh

23 05 2008

If you ever get the chance to take a couple of weeks, or ideally a month, to simply refresh – then do so. Consider it a time to relax and enjoy the world that can sometimes get away from you, drag you down or devour you in its clutches. It’s easy to forget you, no matter who you are, and no matter how strong a character you hold, you can lose it from time to time and that’s alright.

A time to refresh can bring profound revelations, awe-filled moments of clarity, solo laughter or simply a path to follow… and often that path was right there all along, nudging you down it, yet the moments of life took place and created a fog around it. In the thick of it all you somehow got lost, but the true you was there all a long. The day-to-day can bring you into the fog, and a time to refresh can bring you of it, thus leaving you with only you.

Enjoy those couple of weeks, or at best a month, but be certain not to exceed this time, unless you know you truly need it, and you will. To venture beyond the realm of where you have once again found yourself is to become idle, and this is by far worse than ever getting lost in the “midst”. To idle is to truly lose oneself and escape in a manner of which return is unfeasible.

Find yourself, be yourself, maintain and hold onto it always.

A wise fortune cookie once beheld, “idleness is the holiday of fools.”





You May Find Solace on the Unemployment Front

24 04 2008

If you ever gotten laid-off, been unemployed, or merely struggled to find a job; then you know how it is on the Unemployment Front. Oddly enough, you’re part of an elite class, and you may just find solace here.

Briefing the Unemployment Front

One important factor to realize while out here on the Front is that this is no place for laziness. Even though no one works, the difference is they try to. Why? Because they want to, not only to make a difference, but because they’ve hit a snag in their lives, and they want to remedy that snag… the trouble is good ole’ Jobbie Job (who you’ll learn about along the way) obstructs their path.

What You May Encounter

Various notions will post on this “ever-so-dastardly-realm-of-nothingness” known as the Unemployment Front. However, there will be one bastion and one alone – how it is on the Unemployment Front itself. As you journey along the Front, you may encounter: unemployment rants, interview tips, random buffoonery, joblessness, utter despair, layoff chats, sheer outlandishness, pointlessness, boredom, preposterous Web sites, business ponders, and of course how it is on the Front… and if you stick around you will certainly get to know my closest friend and detrimental enemy “Jobbie Job“…

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front





Reduced Salary Opportunities

22 04 2008

Now until indefinitely companies coast to coast are offering reduced salaries. Employees currently making between $30,000-$330,000 a year can now reel in a deft-defying $15,000-$0 a year.

Executive Bonuses
Employees with at least ten years of work experience will have their current salaries instantly slashed by 50% and receive a courteous slap in the face given by their supervisor each Monday morning at 8am.

Hard Work Incentives
Highly productive employees in this same bracket qualify for a Plundered Income Credit (PIC) which will drastically reduce their current compensation far below the poverty level. Additional benefits will include bi-weekly kicks in the teeth and/or gut.

Mid-Level Bonuses
Any employees with less than ten years of work experience will have their salaries reduced by 30%, pay triple for health care, work for free on rotating Saturdays and Sundays and have all bathroom privileges revoked.

Rewards for Career Change
Employees looking to change careers will have the rare opportunity to work for free for their new employers during their first year. Highly productive employees, after their first year, will have the chance to have their own work space which possibly may include a desk and/or chair. A perfect score on their yearly review may result in a .01% pay increase after “scrutinous” executive review.

The Certifiably Unemployable
Those currently unemployed may apply to become “certifiably unemployable.” Those with accepted applications will receive “Don’t Hire” t-shirts (to be worn with tie during interviews), a book entitled “101 Harrowing Insults” (to belittle interviewers), and stylish post-it-notes inscribed with a motivating “In this jerk eat jerk world, you’re hopeless”.

Reduced-salary/double-workload opportunities are projected for sometime this fall.





It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Broke-ness

19 04 2008

Out here on the Unemployment Front, the funds have dwindled to an all-time low. I’m not about to throw a dollar amount your way, but if I did, it would spook you beyond the realm of all things spooky. Let’s just say that I eat a lot of rice and bargain meats.

Even on a glorious Saturday, the heavy-weighing gauntlet of finding a job is just as prominent as it is during the week. Actually, it’s worse, but in a different way… The broke-ass reality of it all just keeps popping up wherever and whenever it deems fit. It’s far tougher to avoid on the weekends.

Finally, the weekend arrives and there are peeps around, but I haven’t the cash to do much of anything. So I try to promote gatherings such as bbq’s, beach ventures or good ole’ fashioned mindless chillin’… but the almighty dollar rules the roost, and when you haven’t got it, your options are quite limited, but I’m not going to harp on my broke-ity broke-ness. Even here in the thick of it all… in the heart of the Unemployment Front – I shall maintain.





Second Interview Seems “iffy” at Best

19 04 2008

I went in for an interview for the first time in two months, but a second one seems “iffy” at best. It was going smoothly at first. I nailed a couple of wretched-ass-line-drive-questions out of the park. Then, hit a snag on this one – “Have you ever had issues with another boss or coworker? If so, how did you resolve them?” The first thing that came to mind was the most irritating coworker the world has ever seen, so I rolled with it.

That day she had been hawk-eying me and asking questions of idiocy. What are you staring at? laughing at? looking at? thinking at? Do you need a tissue? I think I smell feet.

However, it was the comment about sneezing that tipped me beyond the boundaries.

Why don’t you go outside to sneeze?” First off, that’s a lengthy stroll… Secondly, screw that.

I declined to reply (After 8 pointless questions in a row I drift)

Well? Are you going to answer? After a couple of minutes, she got up in disgust – which made me giggle out loud. The giggle turned into a cough, and then an explosive burst of laughter, and then an egg fart squeaked free. As she tapered off like a rabid elephant, I felt a sneeze tickle…

In her glorious absence, I proceeded to sneeze a misty spray onto her keyboard. And when she returned I wafted a handful of stank in her direction, and then glanced at her in utter disgust.

“My keyboard is moist” she said. You’re an idiot, I replied, and continued to glare in her direction.

“What’s that smell? She then asked. (Same glare.)

She began to swat away the beefcake aroma with both hands. After a few seconds, I just simply couldn’t hold back the giggles and I strolled on out of the office.

After I finished telling this during the interview, I kindly nodded, proceeded to show myself to the door, and got lost on the way out.

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front





Day 418 – When Do I Tell the Folks, I Haven’t a Jobbie Job?

27 03 2008

At what point does one tell ones folks that they are unemployed? Here I am, day 418, and I have been fully employed throughout that entire time. The only tickler being, the folks are unaware. This is for their own good. This is so I don’t get railed with 8,241 line-drive questions every time I talk to them. I can enjoy that stuff while on an interview! This is so I can talk to them. It not about being dishonest. Nor, is it about profound trickery. It’s about having a healthy, long distance relationship. Without relaying this one fun fact – I am unemployed, I can hold onto that, and that’s why it’s worth it.

The unemployed are somehow detached from society.  Even a crappy job is better than no job – society seems exhibit. Everyone wants to know more about you finding a job more than the actual job once you finally find it. This is a hindrance. This is why I always tell people that I just meet that I’ve got a great job. (The job previously got laid off from. ) I might go into something similar to “Just had my two year review – nailed it – 5% pay increase starting next paycheck! This is the way it is. This is how it must be.

Of course, close friends will always know the scoop. There’s no need hiding it from them.

So, when do I tell the folks, I haven’t a jobbie job? About six month in to my next job, but then it’s in the tune of “hey mom n pops, I got a new jobbie job!”