If you’re unemployed, get those joy rides in NOW!

10 01 2009

Chances are,  gas will breach the $3 mark by May (and hopefully the $4 dollar mark by June… and perhaps Hail Mary may bring it beyond the $5 mark, come July.) We’re just adjusting to the ever-so-dastardly chain of events that have led us to astronomically low gas prices…

My fellow Unemployees, let’s ponder this…  In the past year, we have faced the most detrimental economic crisis in American history, along with hallelujah-style political reform – all just in time for the holidays.

In other words:
We get to finance a bunch of greedy douchebags until 2055.

We get to thank our lucky stars that G Dubya is Long Gone Silver. (Amazing work! We’re in phenomenal shape!)

And, we got to drive around, smiling cheek to cloud over less than $2 a gallon, as we hit the malls to purchase those thoughtful holiday gifts (our subtle economic stimulus.)

Be on the lookout, though – it won’t be long ‘til the numbers on the gas pump roll more rapidly than a slot machine that never pays out.

So get those joy rides in now, my fellow Unemployees, before the fat cats are puffing their cigars,  slobbering in their sushi,  and getting licky licky’s at the massage parlors with your $3… $4… $5 a gallon.

Hit the coast.

Spin donuts in the snow.

Sit in the parking lot and rev, rev, rev…

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Remember Those Gaps in My Employment History? Gone!

30 07 2008

Back in the glory days of college when booze flowed like sweat trickling down summer’s hot ‘n staunchy armpit, not every day was saturated with humidity, but every day seemed to breed something a little sweaty.

During this phenomenal realm of buffoonery there were no jobs, no interviews, no shirts-tucked-in, no offices, no 9 to 5 with the incredible 10 to 6 flex, no bullpuckey questions from the ultimate agitators – HR. “If I was your manager, what type of relationship would we have? I want to learn about you. Can you tell me about the you that is you… the real you within, that is? (What I look for most in a supervisor is someone that will stand tall when I unleash an uppercut into their loins. Someone I can say “fuck off” to with a point and a smile when they ask me to engage in a pointlessly tedious task… all that good stuff.)

… and were back.

In the all-encompassing awesomeness of college, the time was merely now and that now was profoundly invigorating. Booties were shakin’, the earth was quakin’ and my only true worry was crispin’ the bacon.

Peeps would get hammed… Real hammered, and shit would break, and holes would suddenly form in the walls. (I remember the landlord, that nosey fuck of all fucknugs. He’d say, let me handle those types of situations. You let me know if something gets broken. Why? So you can los-jackos-the-rent when you’re done? No thanks, shitface. I got this one.)

Any hole in the wall was plastered with 18 tubes of tartar control toothpaste atop particle board – dappled with peppermint flavor crystals.

Those, truly were the days, but enough reminiscing. One can only look so far into to the past without delving into a gaping cre-vass.

Today’s days are now, and today’s days must include some sort of continuous income… but how? For months, I’ve waddled in this as if a penguin caught in an updraft of heinously chilled winds… and then it hit me – a profound revelation!

Perhaps the resume needs stitching… Patch up those gaps in your employment history like you were corking up the core of the earth (and porkin’ that whore from Fort Worth.)

Check out this heinous gap…

Unemployed: May 2007 – Present…

  • nothing
  • muffin
  • no wait… nothing

What happened there? Seems like a whole lot of nothing…. wait…. What’s that? WHAPOW! That gap just got sealed up something fierce, my friend! Shit was getting done during that time – for real. Those were productive times indeed.

Here’s what really went down (wink, nudge… roundhouse to the forehead, point)

EMployed: May 2007 – Present.

  • doin’ it
  • and doin’ it
  • and doin’ it, yeah!

(Wait… Where?)

What?

(Where? and what did you accomplish?)

What on earth are you asking – “where”…  “accomplish”? Are you with HR? That gap is my employment history is long gone, and that’s all you need to know.

And just as that atrocious gap has poofed into oblivion, so have the glory days of college. They are no more, but a mere memory. They are no more, but a gargantuan hole in the wall: patched up and smoothed over with rich, fresh and ever-so-prosperous peppermint flavor crystals.





I Reject Your Cake with Authority

2 07 2008

I don’t enjoy cake and that’s the scoop. It’s sticky. It’s sweet. It’s loaded with sugary shards of slop, and I’m not into it at all. So, if you choose to offer me a piece, I will kindly say, no thank you.

Naturally, you will insist and ask again… don’t be shy, have some cake… It’s really good! I’m sure you think it is, but I don’t. So, go ahead and ask me again, like you always do.

Try the cake, it’s simply divine! No thank you, I’m all set… More cake for everyone else!!!

Don’t get me wrong, even though I don’t enjoy cake, I’ll be there to celebrate your b-day, say “congrats” or “you’re the fuckin’ best”, but if you ask me a 3rd time, that sickening slice of chocolate cake is goin’ upside ya head with authority.

If you insist, but a fourth time, then not only will I reject your cake with authority – you’re getting dropped kicked across the fuckin’ room, bounced off the wall and into the cake.

No matter what kind of cake your offering, I’m just not interested – even if your little granny foo foo whipped up her award-winning recipe.





I’m Gettin’ Amped for 5 Bucks a Gallon!

28 05 2008

Truth be known, unemployment doesn’t pay well, and if you’re almost 500 days deep, it doesn’t pay at all. That’s why I’ve been riggity-rackin’ my brain, trying to figure out how to get less MPG’s on my cruise-mobile. Might as well answer an “up yours” with an “up yours, truly”, when we’re lookin’ at $5 a gallon this summer. So, let’s suck the teet off the mother’s teet ’til it dribbles gasoline – then we’ll have ourselves something worth paying for.

I roll in a very fuel efficient ride.  I can easily top 35 MPG’s, but I know, with a lot of hard work (chuckle), I can slice that in half (just like when yooze collectin’ unemployment!) I’ve got a plan, and some tips to share…

3 Easy Steps to Reduce Your MPG’s in One Tank or Less

1.) Add three tons of lead to your trunk, a trailer in tow and fully deflate all tires (Feeling ambitious? Remove hood and doors for added wind-resistance.)

2.) Keep windows down and A/C on full blast at all times.

3.) Rev like you’ve never revved before… always.

Follow these three tips and you’ll see your MPG’s diminish faster than the price of gasoline rising!

Even better, you’ll be thankin’ your lucky stars that good ole G Dubya sent you 6 stylin’ Benjamins. (What a guy, clap, clap, clap… bummer ’bout that whole 8 year thing. You’ve done awesome. So awesome, you’re far stanker than 50 bucks a gallon!)

So, cash in those 6 stylin’ Benny’s, treat yourself to a gallon of gas, hit up the grocery store, spend the rest on this week’s lunch and before you know it, you’ll be just as amped as I am about 5 bucks a gallon.





An Interview with HR – Awesome to Say the Least

14 05 2008

Dear HR Department,

Thanks for taking the time to be so awesome all the time! You peeps are amazing! Not only do you know how to ask all the right questions… greatest strengths… weaknesses!? (whoa). You are so well-informed of the position itself, why don’t you interview, you?

The fate of the company is in your hands and you rise to the challenge to ask a potential employee “are you a number or word person?” (Yes!), or “how do you handle pressure?” (Heard of the bends? Let’s just say don’t ever, ever share tanks when you dive, ever.)

I am honored. I am impressed. I am deeply and truly grateful for having the opportunity to have spoken with you about “why I want to work for your company” (and with you, when I have to fill out papers upon papers with papers on top.)

It’s the chats with you, oh regal HR reps, that have made this whole unemployment experience worthwhile. I anxiously await the next enlightening conversation. Maybe this time we can talk about my score on that pop quiz in the 4th grade or my all-time-favorite show ‘n tell toy.





Reduced Salary Opportunities

22 04 2008

Now until indefinitely companies coast to coast are offering reduced salaries. Employees currently making between $30,000-$330,000 a year can now reel in a deft-defying $15,000-$0 a year.

Executive Bonuses
Employees with at least ten years of work experience will have their current salaries instantly slashed by 50% and receive a courteous slap in the face given by their supervisor each Monday morning at 8am.

Hard Work Incentives
Highly productive employees in this same bracket qualify for a Plundered Income Credit (PIC) which will drastically reduce their current compensation far below the poverty level. Additional benefits will include bi-weekly kicks in the teeth and/or gut.

Mid-Level Bonuses
Any employees with less than ten years of work experience will have their salaries reduced by 30%, pay triple for health care, work for free on rotating Saturdays and Sundays and have all bathroom privileges revoked.

Rewards for Career Change
Employees looking to change careers will have the rare opportunity to work for free for their new employers during their first year. Highly productive employees, after their first year, will have the chance to have their own work space which possibly may include a desk and/or chair. A perfect score on their yearly review may result in a .01% pay increase after “scrutinous” executive review.

The Certifiably Unemployable
Those currently unemployed may apply to become “certifiably unemployable.” Those with accepted applications will receive “Don’t Hire” t-shirts (to be worn with tie during interviews), a book entitled “101 Harrowing Insults” (to belittle interviewers), and stylish post-it-notes inscribed with a motivating “In this jerk eat jerk world, you’re hopeless”.

Reduced-salary/double-workload opportunities are projected for sometime this fall.