Remember Those Gaps in My Employment History? Gone!

30 07 2008

Back in the glory days of college when booze flowed like sweat trickling down summer’s hot ‘n staunchy armpit, not every day was saturated with humidity, but every day seemed to breed something a little sweaty.

During this phenomenal realm of buffoonery there were no jobs, no interviews, no shirts-tucked-in, no offices, no 9 to 5 with the incredible 10 to 6 flex, no bullpuckey questions from the ultimate agitators – HR. “If I was your manager, what type of relationship would we have? I want to learn about you. Can you tell me about the you that is you… the real you within, that is? (What I look for most in a supervisor is someone that will stand tall when I unleash an uppercut into their loins. Someone I can say “fuck off” to with a point and a smile when they ask me to engage in a pointlessly tedious task… all that good stuff.)

… and were back.

In the all-encompassing awesomeness of college, the time was merely now and that now was profoundly invigorating. Booties were shakin’, the earth was quakin’ and my only true worry was crispin’ the bacon.

Peeps would get hammed… Real hammered, and shit would break, and holes would suddenly form in the walls. (I remember the landlord, that nosey fuck of all fucknugs. He’d say, let me handle those types of situations. You let me know if something gets broken. Why? So you can los-jackos-the-rent when you’re done? No thanks, shitface. I got this one.)

Any hole in the wall was plastered with 18 tubes of tartar control toothpaste atop particle board – dappled with peppermint flavor crystals.

Those, truly were the days, but enough reminiscing. One can only look so far into to the past without delving into a gaping cre-vass.

Today’s days are now, and today’s days must include some sort of continuous income… but how? For months, I’ve waddled in this as if a penguin caught in an updraft of heinously chilled winds… and then it hit me – a profound revelation!

Perhaps the resume needs stitching… Patch up those gaps in your employment history like you were corking up the core of the earth (and porkin’ that whore from Fort Worth.)

Check out this heinous gap…

Unemployed: May 2007 – Present…

  • nothing
  • muffin
  • no wait… nothing

What happened there? Seems like a whole lot of nothing…. wait…. What’s that? WHAPOW! That gap just got sealed up something fierce, my friend! Shit was getting done during that time – for real. Those were productive times indeed.

Here’s what really went down (wink, nudge… roundhouse to the forehead, point)

EMployed: May 2007 – Present.

  • doin’ it
  • and doin’ it
  • and doin’ it, yeah!

(Wait… Where?)

What?

(Where? and what did you accomplish?)

What on earth are you asking – “where”…  “accomplish”? Are you with HR? That gap is my employment history is long gone, and that’s all you need to know.

And just as that atrocious gap has poofed into oblivion, so have the glory days of college. They are no more, but a mere memory. They are no more, but a gargantuan hole in the wall: patched up and smoothed over with rich, fresh and ever-so-prosperous peppermint flavor crystals.

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An Interview with HR – Awesome to Say the Least

14 05 2008

Dear HR Department,

Thanks for taking the time to be so awesome all the time! You peeps are amazing! Not only do you know how to ask all the right questions… greatest strengths… weaknesses!? (whoa). You are so well-informed of the position itself, why don’t you interview, you?

The fate of the company is in your hands and you rise to the challenge to ask a potential employee “are you a number or word person?” (Yes!), or “how do you handle pressure?” (Heard of the bends? Let’s just say don’t ever, ever share tanks when you dive, ever.)

I am honored. I am impressed. I am deeply and truly grateful for having the opportunity to have spoken with you about “why I want to work for your company” (and with you, when I have to fill out papers upon papers with papers on top.)

It’s the chats with you, oh regal HR reps, that have made this whole unemployment experience worthwhile. I anxiously await the next enlightening conversation. Maybe this time we can talk about my score on that pop quiz in the 4th grade or my all-time-favorite show ‘n tell toy.





Unemployment Begone with These Great Job Sites

9 05 2008

Some days, on the Unemployment Front, your full time job is having to find one. This isn’t always an easy task. In fact everything about it is downright awful. That’s why I’ve put together this handy list of Web sites that will help you land the perfect job in no time.

http://www.jobs-for-peeps-that-don’t-want-a-job-just-money.com

http://www.nailed-that-interview-and-the-hotslut-at-the-frontdesk-but-still-didn’tget-thejob.com

http://www.answer-all-interview-questions-with-an-up-yours.com

http://www.bunk-ass-companies-with-bunk-ass-jobs-just-for-you!!!!.com

http://www.we-give-suckie-fo-you-job-money-cheap.com

http://www.we-hire-then-fire-after-you’ve-made-us-rich.com

http://www.work-here-you-dumbass.com

http://www.crappy-jobs-shitty-people.com





Second Interview Seems “iffy” at Best

19 04 2008

I went in for an interview for the first time in two months, but a second one seems “iffy” at best. It was going smoothly at first. I nailed a couple of wretched-ass-line-drive-questions out of the park. Then, hit a snag on this one – “Have you ever had issues with another boss or coworker? If so, how did you resolve them?” The first thing that came to mind was the most irritating coworker the world has ever seen, so I rolled with it.

That day she had been hawk-eying me and asking questions of idiocy. What are you staring at? laughing at? looking at? thinking at? Do you need a tissue? I think I smell feet.

However, it was the comment about sneezing that tipped me beyond the boundaries.

Why don’t you go outside to sneeze?” First off, that’s a lengthy stroll… Secondly, screw that.

I declined to reply (After 8 pointless questions in a row I drift)

Well? Are you going to answer? After a couple of minutes, she got up in disgust – which made me giggle out loud. The giggle turned into a cough, and then an explosive burst of laughter, and then an egg fart squeaked free. As she tapered off like a rabid elephant, I felt a sneeze tickle…

In her glorious absence, I proceeded to sneeze a misty spray onto her keyboard. And when she returned I wafted a handful of stank in her direction, and then glanced at her in utter disgust.

“My keyboard is moist” she said. You’re an idiot, I replied, and continued to glare in her direction.

“What’s that smell? She then asked. (Same glare.)

She began to swat away the beefcake aroma with both hands. After a few seconds, I just simply couldn’t hold back the giggles and I strolled on out of the office.

After I finished telling this during the interview, I kindly nodded, proceeded to show myself to the door, and got lost on the way out.

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front





Day 418 – When Do I Tell the Folks, I Haven’t a Jobbie Job?

27 03 2008

At what point does one tell ones folks that they are unemployed? Here I am, day 418, and I have been fully employed throughout that entire time. The only tickler being, the folks are unaware. This is for their own good. This is so I don’t get railed with 8,241 line-drive questions every time I talk to them. I can enjoy that stuff while on an interview! This is so I can talk to them. It not about being dishonest. Nor, is it about profound trickery. It’s about having a healthy, long distance relationship. Without relaying this one fun fact – I am unemployed, I can hold onto that, and that’s why it’s worth it.

The unemployed are somehow detached from society.  Even a crappy job is better than no job – society seems exhibit. Everyone wants to know more about you finding a job more than the actual job once you finally find it. This is a hindrance. This is why I always tell people that I just meet that I’ve got a great job. (The job previously got laid off from. ) I might go into something similar to “Just had my two year review – nailed it – 5% pay increase starting next paycheck! This is the way it is. This is how it must be.

Of course, close friends will always know the scoop. There’s no need hiding it from them.

So, when do I tell the folks, I haven’t a jobbie job? About six month in to my next job, but then it’s in the tune of “hey mom n pops, I got a new jobbie job!”





Day 407 – Wait up… I still need a jobbie job?

20 03 2008

Dear Jobbie Job,

I was out looking for you today, but to no avail. I hit up some of the more popular employment sites… http://www.get-paid-for-less-and-work-more-dot-com
http://www.sucka-toe-get-a-job-dot-com
http://www.awesomest-friggin-jobs-around-for-crazy-low-salaries-dot-com.

All the great places you usually reside. Why weren’t you there? How many days do I have to look? It’s been 407 days, 279 interviews, 82 2nd interviews, 18 third interviews and 608 gutwrenching chats with HR.