I don’t enjoy cake and that’s the scoop. It’s sticky. It’s sweet. It’s loaded with sugary shards of slop, and I’m not into it at all. So, if you choose to offer me a piece, I will kindly say, no thank you.

Naturally, you will insist and ask again… don’t be shy, have some cake… It’s really good! I’m sure you think it is, but I don’t. So, go ahead and ask me again, like you always do.

Try the cake, it’s simply divine! No thank you, I’m all set… More cake for everyone else!!!

Don’t get me wrong, even though I don’t enjoy cake, I’ll be there to celebrate your b-day, say “congrats” or “you’re the fuckin’ best”, but if you ask me a 3rd time, that sickening slice of chocolate cake is goin’ upside ya head with authority.

If you insist, but a fourth time, then not only will I reject your cake with authority - you’re getting dropped kicked across the fuckin’ room, bounced off the wall and into the cake.

No matter what kind of cake your offering, I’m just not interested - even if your little granny foo foo whipped up her award-winning recipe.

The most incredible performance in the history of horseracing, and easily one of sports most memorable moments, took hoof 35 years ago. In the realm of horseracing, to win by 10 lengths is incredible, by 20 astonishing, by 31, eternally cosmic.

When Secretariat captured the Triple Crown by winning the 1973 Belmont Stakes by 31 lengths, he was clearly “moving like a tremendous machine”.

Somewhere, somehow, you’ve heard of Secretariat, but to actually see this magnificent horse triumph is truly captivating. This footage is rather primitive, but a performance this spectacular is timeless.

Check Out the Race

Truth be known, unemployment doesn’t pay well, and if you’re almost 500 days deep, it doesn’t pay at all. That’s why I’ve been riggity-rackin’ my brain, trying to figure out how to get less MPG’s on my cruise-mobile. Might as well answer an “up yours” with an “up yours, truly”, when we’re lookin’ at $5 a gallon this summer. So, let’s suck the teet off the mother’s teet ’til it dribbles gasoline - then we’ll have ourselves something worth paying for.

I roll in a very fuel efficient ride.  I can easily top 35 MPG’s, but I know, with a lot of hard work (chuckle), I can slice that in half (just like when yooze collectin’ unemployment!) I’ve got a plan, and some tips to share…

3 Easy Steps to Reduce Your MPG’s in One Tank or Less

1.) Add three tons of lead to your trunk, a trailer in tow and fully deflate all tires (Feeling ambitious? Remove hood and doors for added wind-resistance.)

2.) Keep windows down and A/C on full blast at all times.

3.) Rev like you’ve never revved before… always.

Follow these three tips and you’ll see your MPG’s diminish faster than the price of gasoline rising!

Even better, you’ll be thankin’ your lucky stars that good ole G Dubya sent you 6 stylin’ Benjamins. (What a guy, clap, clap, clap… bummer ’bout that whole 8 year thing. You’ve done awesome. So awesome, you’re far stanker than 50 bucks a gallon!)

So, cash in those 6 stylin’ Benny’s, treat yourself to a gallon of gas, hit up the grocery store, spend the rest on this week’s lunch and before you know it, you’ll be just as amped as I am about 5 bucks a gallon.

If you ever get the chance to take a couple of weeks, or ideally a month, to simply refresh - then do so. Consider it a time to relax and enjoy the world that can sometimes get away from you, drag you down or devour you in its clutches. It’s easy to forget you, no matter who you are, and no matter how strong a character you hold, you can lose it from time to time and that’s alright.

A time to refresh can bring profound revelations, awe-filled moments of clarity, solo laughter or simply a path to follow… and often that path was right there all along, nudging you down it, yet the moments of life took place and created a fog around it. In the thick of it all you somehow got lost, but the true you was there all a long. The day-to-day can bring you into the fog, and a time to refresh can bring you of it, thus leaving you with only you.

Enjoy those couple of weeks, or at best a month, but be certain not to exceed this time, unless you know you truly need it, and you will. To venture beyond the realm of where you have once again found yourself is to become idle, and this is by far worse than ever getting lost in the “midst”. To idle is to truly lose oneself and escape in a manner of which return is unfeasible.

Find yourself, be yourself, maintain and hold onto it always.

A wise fortune cookie once beheld, “idleness is the holiday of fools.”

Dear HR Department,

Thanks for taking the time to be so awesome all the time! You peeps are amazing! Not only do you know how to ask all the right questions… greatest strengths… weaknesses!? (whoa). You are so well-informed of the position itself, why don’t you interview, you?

The fate of the company is in your hands and you rise to the challenge to ask a potential employee “are you a number or word person?” (Yes!), or “how do you handle pressure?” (Heard of the bends? Let’s just say don’t ever, ever share tanks when you dive, ever.)

I am honored. I am impressed. I am deeply and truly grateful for having the opportunity to have spoken with you about “why I want to work for your company” (and with you, when I have to fill out papers upon papers with papers on top.)

It’s the chats with you, oh regal HR reps, that have made this whole unemployment experience worthwhile. I anxiously await the next enlightening conversation. Maybe this time we can talk about my score on that pop quiz in the 4th grade or my all-time-favorite show ‘n tell toy.

Unemployment Front - Day 462

Do you know why we stopped the car again?

Cuz you still don’t have a job.

Nah, let’s not.

Some days, on the Unemployment Front, your full time job is having to find one. This isn’t always an easy task. In fact everything about it is downright awful. That’s why I’ve put together this handy list of Web sites that will help you land the perfect job in no time.

www.jobs-for-peeps-that-don’t-want-a-job-just-money.com

www.nailed-that-interview-and-the-hotslut-at-the-frontdesk-but-still-didn’tget-thejob.com

www.answer-all-interview-questions-with-an-up-yours.com

www.bunk-ass-companies-with-bunk-ass-jobs-just-for-you!!!!.com

www.we-give-suckie-fo-you-job-money-cheap.com

www.we-hire-then-fire-after-you’ve-made-us-rich.com

www.work-here-you-dumbass.com

www.crappy-jobs-shitty-people.com

Day Four Hundred and something on the unemployment front and I can’t even look at a job description without getting nauseas.

After the first word I lose it… whether it’s about the shitty company offering the job or the shittier job description itself, I’m sick and tired of it all… which happens to be my favorite “call-in” to work (when I was employed) I’m sick… and tired, of it all.

Even better, if you think I’m “calling in”, screw dat, you’re getting an email. One of email’s best attributes is dealing with schmucks you don’t want to, or even need to, deal with at all… and wow there are tons of them out there… and oddly enough, they’re in a position to manipulate things… especially the dollar bill.

Up yours dollar bill! I’m heading west where the weather is well and the women are… well busty. This is it… it’s time to venture out… to head forth into something else… anything else. Anything other than this.

As gas prices tickle the $4 realm - those looking to build a business with farts may be in the money. The time is now to cash in quick by rippin’ foul and furious farts. Why rely on foreign influences when you can rip glorious gas clouds in your car, home and office?

3 Tips for Success:

1.) The wind is your enemy.
Whether you’re rippin’ farts, waftin’ farts or baskin’ within a stank fart cloud; a lofty gust of wind can whisk away your entire fart supply in one fellow swoop. Protect your farts in bottles or cans or freezer bags… and for the love of mankind - don’t let a wispy breeze deplete your entire fart supply.

2.) Think cheesy thoughts, and crank out more farts then you possibly fathomed.
Fiber, cheese and wheat provide incredibly fierce fart power. Tap into your local cheese supply and start scarfing it all down - cheddar, American, swiss, parmesan, Gouda, groo-yair, gorgonzola - you name it… and don’t forget the 12 grain wheat bread. (add more rotten with broccoli)

3.) Turn egg farts into gold, and cabbage farts into silver and bronze.

This is easier than you think, yet so few try. Gather up a frenzy of cheap jewelry, and bring it to the kitchen. Leave it on the counter and begin making breakfast. (If you’ve gotten mega hammered the night before on wheat beer and eaten pizza and/or burritos, then you’re ahead of the game.)

To Begin: Create a fart-o-rific four egg omelet… add rich cream, all the cheeses mentioned above, broccoli, ham, steak, 1/2 cup whole milk, more heavy cream, a pound of white american cheese (must be white), week old cabbage and 1 cup of hot sauce. Cook, consume and wait for a barrage of farts to come trumpeting out.

After you’ve ripped a category five hurricane of farts in your kitchen - remember that cheap jewelry you gathered? Well have a look at it… you’ll find a collection of gold, silver and bronze - all thanks to those egg and cabbage farts!