An Interview with HR - Awesome to Say the Least

Dear HR Department,

Thanks for taking the time to be so awesome all the time! You peeps are amazing! Not only do you know how to ask all the right questions… greatest strengths… weaknesses!? (whoa). You are so well-informed of the position itself, why don’t you interview, you?

The fate of the company is in your hands and you rise to the challenge to ask a potential employee “are you a number or word person?” (Yes!), or “how do you handle pressure?” (Heard of the bends? Let’s just say don’t ever, ever share tanks when you dive, ever.)

I am honored. I am impressed. I am deeply and truly grateful for having the opportunity to have spoken with you about “why I want to work for your company” (and with you, when I have to fill out papers upon papers with papers on top.)

It’s the chats with you, oh regal HR reps, that have made this whole unemployment experience worthwhile. I anxiously await the next enlightening conversation. Maybe this time we can talk about my score on that pop quiz in the 4th grade or my all-time-favorite show ‘n tell toy.

 

Parappa the Rappa Still Knows Best

Unemployment Front - Day 462

Do you know why we stopped the car again?

Cuz you still don’t have a job.

 

Let’s Engage In a Bit of Small Talk!!!

Unemployment Front - Day 460

My office days are becoming dimmer and dimmer in my mind, which is fine by me. One thing I remember quite clearly are the joys of small talk!

Remember these classics?!

Every Monday, 9:15 -12:00: How was your weekend? Do anything fun? (multiply by 87) Great! I’d reply, and quickly shuffle off…

How about this rain we’re gettin’? huh? huh? how about it? huh? (I always walked away from any weather-related inquiry)

Every Friday 2:08 - 4:49: Got anything planned this weekend? Yep, but I don’t want to share it with you, plus I’ve been asked that 73 times since 2:08 today.

and then there’s: Do you…

Sorry folks I fell asleep - all this small talk excitement.

Any small talk fav’s to contribute?

Please don’t. I really don’t want to talk about it.

 

Unemployment Begone with These Great Job Sites

Some days, on the Unemployment Front, your full time job is having to find one. This isn’t always an easy task. In fact everything about it is downright awful. That’s why I’ve put together this handy list of Web sites that will help you land the perfect job in no time.

www.jobs-for-peeps-that-don’t-want-a-job-just-money.com

www.nailed-that-interview-and-the-hotslut-at-the-frontdesk-but-still-didn’tget-thejob.com

www.answer-all-interview-questions-with-an-up-yours.com

www.bunk-ass-companies-with-bunk-ass-jobs-just-for-you!!!!.com

www.we-give-suckie-fo-you-job-money-cheap.com

www.we-hire-then-fire-after-you’ve-made-us-rich.com

www.work-here-you-dumbass.com

www.crappy-jobs-shitty-people.com

 

Sick and Tired of it All

Day Four Hundred and something on the unemployment front and I can’t even look at a job description without getting nauseas.

After the first word I lose it… whether it’s about the shitty company offering the job or the shittier job description itself, I’m sick of it all… one of my favorite “call-ins” to work (when I was employed) I’m sick… and tired, of it all.

Even better, if you think I’m “calling in”, screw dat, you’re getting an email. One of email’s best attributes is dealing with schumucks you don’t want to, or even need to, deal with at all… and wow there are tons of them out there… and oddly enough, they’re in a position to manipulate things… especially the dollar bill.

Up yours dollar bill! I’m heading west where the weather is well and the women are well… busty. This is it… it’s time to venture out… to head forth into something else… anything else. Anything other than this.

 

Business Idea: You’re Going to Need a Whole Lot of Gas…

…if you’re building a business with farts.

As gas prices tickle the $4 realm - those looking to build a business with farts may be in the money. The time is now to cash in quick by rippin’ foul and furious farts. Why rely on foreign influences when you can rip glorious gas clouds in your car, home and office?

3 Tips for Building Your Business with Farts:

1.) The wind is your enemy.
Whether you’re rippin’ farts, waftin’ farts or baskin’ within a stank fart cloud; a lofty gust of wind can whisk away your entire fart supply in one fellow swoop. Protect your farts in bottles or cans or freezer bags… and for the love of mankind - don’t let a wispy breeze deplete your entire fart supply.

2.) Think cheesy thoughts, and crank out more farts then you possibly fathomed.
Fiber, cheese and wheat provide incredibly fierce fart power. Tap into your local cheese supply and start scarfing it all down - cheddar, American, swiss, parmesan, Gouda, groo-yair, gorgonzola - you name it… and don’t forget the 12 grain wheat bread. (add more rotten with broccoli)

3.) Turn egg farts into gold, and cabbage farts into silver and bronze.

This is easier than you think, yet so few try. Gather up a frenzy of cheap jewelry, and bring it to the kitchen. Leave it on the counter and begin making breakfast. (If you’ve gotten mega hammered the night before on wheat beer and eaten pizza and/or burritos, then you’re ahead of the game.)

To Begin: Create a fart-o-rific four egg omelet… add rich cream, all the cheeses mentioned above, broccoli, ham, steak, 1/2 cup whole milk, more heavy cream, a pound of white american cheese (must be white), week old cabbage and 1 cup of hot sauce. Cook, consume and wait for a barrage of farts to come trumpeting out.

After you’ve ripped a category five hurricane of farts in your kitchen - remember that cheap jewelry you gathered? Well have a look at it… you’ll find a collection of gold, silver and bronze - all thanks to those egg and cabbage farts!

 

Algo and the Funky Rhythms

Perusing the web has quickly become a symphony of algorithms… if it wasn’t - how would anyone find anything worthwhile?

Back in the day it was easy to create ham with a “sp” batting lead-off. Now, thanks to Algo and the Funky Rhythms it requires something witty… something relevant… something informative… Why? So we don’t have to sift through garbage.

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a ton of trash out there on the web and you know what? I don’t want to sift through it, but somebody’s got to. That’s where Algo and the Funky Rhythms perform concerts of epic caliber. They filter the junk, categorize, and move it to the bottom of the pile. Whereas the quality stuff is filtered through and placed in a pile where it has a chance to eventually move to the top.

Ever wonder who puts the hawt post where it’s at, or the featured post for each category? Algo and the Funky Rhythms that’s who. That’s their tune, and if keeps me from sifting through garbage… I’ll listen.

 

Kevin Youkilis Enrolls in New England School of Wizardry

After decades of pondering, Red Sox slugger, Kevin Youkilis enrolls in the New England School of Wizardry.

In a recent interview Youk began with, “I’ve always felt wizard-ish, and thought how great it would be to become a wizard. Many confuse me with famous wizards on a daily basis. So, I figured I might as well check it out and just make it happen… and you can’t beat those starry-pointed hats.” While commenting, Youk’s goatee morphed into a fuzzy bunny with fangs, then a savage coyote, and then back into a traditional goatee.

Although Youk’s new hobby will be hands-on-acts-of-wizardry, he has no intention of leaving the Red Sox anytime soon. “These past few years were incredible. The fans are amazing. It would be great to really give them something magical. If I could loft 50, 60 or even a 100 more dingers over the monster each year by nudging my chin towards the stands with a bit of wizardry, then why not?”

When asked whether or not obtaining his wizardry degree would interfere with baseball - Youk disappeared, and then reappeared eating cotton candy with a chagrin smile. He disappeared once more and was supposedly sighted floating above center field, and wafting his bat as if conducting a symphony.

 

Last Sneeze Lightly Sprinkles Saturn’s Rings

Unemployment Front - Day 450…

Today was rather productive for two reasons: the first, I’ve completed a rather complex quadratic equation…

Time + Time = More Time (…deep)

The second - I thundered out a sneeze that reached lunar status, and eventually found its way to Saturn. This time of year, hot and dry blustery winds whip through the canyons causing desert-ish conditions. Embedded in these winds are various pollens that delve deep into the olfactory, thus creating powerful sneezes… that in this case travel long distances.

To give a clearer understanding of the path this sneeze followed, I’ve included a link presenting the Moon and Saturn. Often, I enjoy a stealthy outdoor sneeze released into the wind. This is how it began. As the sneeze bolted out of my nostrils at ludicrous speed, it quickly found it’s way to the moon. Passing the moon on the right, the sneeze headed toward Saturn in the backdrop. Seconds later it is captured within Saturn’s rings, where it lightly sprinkles into a fine mist…

yep, it’s been a prosperous day indeed.

 

You May Find Solace on the Unemployment Front

If you ever gotten laid-off, been unemployed, or merely struggled to find a job; then you know how it is on the Unemployment Front. Oddly enough, you’re part of an elite class, and you may just find solace here.

Briefing the Unemployment Front

One important factor to realize while out here on the Front is that this is no place for laziness. Even though no one works, the difference is they try to. Why? Because they want to, not only to make a difference, but because they’ve hit a snag in their lives, and they want to remedy that snag… the trouble is good ole’ Jobbie Job (who you’ll learn about along the way) obstructs their path.

What You May Encounter

Various notions will post on this “ever-so-dastardly-realm-of-nothingness” known as the Unemployment Front. However, there will be one bastion and one alone - how it is on the Unemployment Front itself. As you journey along the Front, you may encounter: unemployment rants, interview tips, random buffoonery, joblessness, utter despair, layoff chats, sheer outlandishness, pointlessness, boredom, preposterous Web sites, business ponders, and of course how it is on the Front… and if you stick around you will certainly get to know my closest friend and detrimental enemy “Jobbie Job“…

More Buffoonery on the Unemployment Front